Starting last night, every network slungshot themselves from California to NYC to officially present all of next season’s shiny new shows. And to make way for their new hos, they had to strangle the life out of some of their old shows and some shows that lasted about as long as it takes for John Travolta’s hungry Scientolohole to start begging for a finger bang after a massage starts. Some cancellations aren’t going to bring on a chorus of pearl clutching (I’m looking at you, Ringer), but some are kind of surprising. I mean, how could they do that to Missing? Is Ashley Judd ever going to find her son or is she going to run around Europe while screaming “I AM A MOM, LOOKING FOR HER SON!” for the rest of damn eternity.
Anyway, put on your mourning veil and pour out some of your morning 40 oz. for all the shows that are now lying in the morgue.
ABC: GBC, The River, Missing, Pan Am, Work It, Man Up, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Charlie’s Angels
NBC: Are You There, Chelsea?, Awake, Bent, Best Friend’s Forever, Harry’s Law, The Firm, Prime Suspect, Playboy Club, Who Do You Think You Are and Free Agents
CBS: CSI: Miami (click here to enter David Caruso’s one liner In Memoriam), Gifted Man, How To Be A Gentleman, Unforgettable, Rob and NY 22
FOX: Terra Nova, Alcatraz, Breaking In, The Finder, I Hate My Teenage Daughter and Allen Gregory
The CW: Ringer, The Secret Circle and H8R
30 Rock and Gossip Girl will have their last seasons next season, Community was banished to Fridays with Whitney and Glee has been moved to Thursdays. Yeah, fuckery all abound!
The only show whose coffin I’m throwing my body on is GCB. GCB was a total copy+paste of Desperate Housewives, but it blessed my holy Sundays with what I really need to go on: MAN NIPPLES. In almost every episode of GCB, at least one dude character went topless and showed me the face of Jesus in his nipple holes. ABC can suck on a cold dick for that one and they can suck on another cold dick (“Who do I see about changing my name to ABC?” – John Travolta) for not picking up that Devious Maids mess with Susan Lucci in it. So no only is ABC keeping us away from man nipples, but they’re also keeping us away from Susan Lucci’s glamorously wooden acting. That is some dark-sided sinful shit.