Justin Theroux Wants To Dump Jennifer Aniston

Over two weeks ago, Jennifer Aniston was planning a wedding, then she had a case of the babies and now hos are saying that she’s about to renew her membership to the Forever Alone Society. Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says that when Justin Theroux sits at the breakfast table in Jennifer’s Bel Air mansion, he softly sings “fuuuuuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiife” to himself as she sticks one of those Plum pouches in the mouth of her Baby Alive. Some source says that when Justin is lying in bed next to Jennifer, while she’s clutching a Beanie Baby monitor, the dream bubble in his head is filling up with pictures from his past life. Justin wants to back to NYC and he wants to go back to his ex-piece Heidi Bivens. So says the source:

“The bloom is off the rose. He wants his old home, his old love and his old life back. Justin and Heidi still talk, and they are very supportive of each other. Justin feels she’s handled herself with grace, never becoming nasty or vindictive though it was a total shock when he began seeing Jen behind her back while they were still living together. Justin is full of remorse and regret which he has told Heidi. Justin wants a family, but he doesn’t want it with Jen.”

And then Star’s editor says they heard a voice in the distance say, “Heidi, you dumb ass bitch, get off that pay phone! And take off that disguise, it’s not like they can see your stupid ass. Get back up into the apartment and clean up the mess you made while pasting pictures of your face over Jennifer Aniston’s face in all those magazines!“

Since reboots are the thing, I love how the tabloids have rebooted the Brangelina/Aniston triangle of grossness and cast Aniston as Angie, Justin as B. Pitt and Heidi as Aniston. I wonder who they’ll cast as the Maddox? (SPOILER ALERT: Aniston’s Prep Boy Asian CB Doll)