The paparazzi got struck with the fear of Berry yesterday when she nearly raged her weave off and showed them how she greets Gabriel Aubry when he comes over to pick up their daughter. Like a mama bear defending her cub or me defending the last cheddar biscuit in the basket at Red Lobster, Halle Berry verbally punched every paparazzo parked outside of her kid’s school. A source close to Halle Berry who I’m sure isn’t Halle Berry’s publicist told E! News that the paps are always smearing themselves around Nahla’s school and bitch had enough.
“It is inappropriate for these people to stalk a child’s school everyday. They pushed too far [today]. Halle felt that her daughter was being threatened. Having words with someone who is stalking your family is not out of line.”
As far as I know, the paps didn’t get any shots of Nahla or any other kid leaving the school and this gave me an idea. The paps probably didn’t take any pictures of Nahla, because they were too focused on documenting the crazy show Halle was giving them. That’s why the schools where kids of celebrities go should hire a full-time crazy bitch to stand out in front and “shot block” the paps by going nuts. Schools have Crossing Guards, so they should have Don’t Cross Me Guards too. The Don’t Cross Me Guard will flip off the paps, scream at them, spit on their windshields and crack their lenses by flashing their half-shaven guts (in my defense, shaving your gut in the shower is hard work and I get bored after a while).
That sounds like my DREAM job, because I can’t wait to officially enter the IDGAF phase of life. When I’m old, I’m just going to spend my days yelling at everyone and everything. When you reach a certain age, there’s a good chance that everybody and everything in life has pissed you off at one point and you kept your mouth shut to be polite. But when you’re old, you don’t have to be polite anymore and you can tell a trick how you really feel. Yell at that leaf for being a leaf. Yell at the wind for being the wind. Yell at the rain for messing up your day by being the rain. Yell at everything!
So where do I submit my application for the Don’t Cross Me Guard job? But you know, before I take the position, I should probably train with Julia Roberts for a couple days.