And Now, Here’s Bristol Palin’s Thoughts On Obama’s Thoughts On Gay Marriage

May 10, 2012 / Posted by:

The entire nation already halfway exhaled when Kim Kardashian FINALLY gave her thoughts on Obama’s thought son gay marriage and now we can exhale all the way, because fellow reality show whore Bristol Palin has FINALLY given hers. The authority on whoresome wholesome family values and “traditional” marriage took a break from trying to get on The Choice (I’m guessing that’s what she’s up to these days) and wrote a blog for Patheos about how Obama’s daughters need less Glee in their lives and how statistics show that children who grow up with a mother and a father do better in life. That’s Bristol’s way of politely telling her son that since a single mother is raising him, he’s screwed and he’d be better off being raised by the pieces they chiseled off of her jaw to make way for her new chin.

It took me a while to figure out Bristol’s piece wasn’t from The Onion, because it’s that good. It’s just too easy. It’s like a monologue from GCB. Clear your throat before you get into this, because you’ll need to make way for all the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs:

So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?

While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.

In this situation, it was the other way around. I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren’t younger, or perhaps today’s press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox.

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

So Bristol, the daughter of someone who ran for VP, is telling us NOT to listen to the daughters of the President? Oh Bristol, don’t listen to 99.9999% of the commenters on your blog calling you a fucking idiot. You’re a comedy genius and the show you say is gaying up America should hire you as their head writer. Keep bringing on the funnies, bitch!

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