Why The Hell Isn’t Jennifer Love Hewitt In This Mess?

May 9, 2012 / Posted by:

When Fox announced that they were mashing together NBC’s The Voice and The Dating Game by airing a blind date show with celebrities in spinning chairs, I figured that they would take the definition of “celebrity” all the way and blow a star dust storm in our eyes. I’m not wrong! Last night, Entertainment Weekly posted the list of stars who sit and spin for a date on The Choice, and they really reached deep into the A-list universe for this one. And by that I mean they went on their tiptoes, reached into the A-list universe, lost their balance and fell backwards into the bottom of a barrel where they found most of their cast. When Joe Jonas is the biggest star, you know the rest of the cast is going to make the first season of The Surreal Life look like a night at the Oscars.

Here’s the full list and prepare to repeatedly say the line White Oprah says to her youngest one (aka the one who doesn’t make her any money) when he asks her for a hug: “And you are….?”

Joe Jonas – Former purity ring wearer, sometime yodeler and current blind item star
Pauly D – Jersey Shore whore and #3 on the Health Department’s Most Wanted list
Romeo – Child rapper, child actor and the trick who confuses my nipples since he sort of looks like Webster on roids
Dean Cain – Rick Perry supporter and the Superman to Teri Snatcher’s Lois
Tyson Beckford – Supermodel and one of the biggest advocates of the Bushy Pubes for Men Club
Rima Fakih – Noted drunk driver and Miss USA 2010
Carmen Electra – A flower from Prince’s garden
Sophie Monk – Australian pop something and fellow Wonky McValtrex hater
Rob Kardashian – Ugh
Rocco DiSpirito – Part-time chef, full-time reality whore
Warren Sapp – Football player
Finesse Mitchell – Comedian and former SNL cast member
Jeremy Bloom – Olympic freestyle skier
Jason Cook – Soap opera actor
Michael Catherwood – Co-host of Loveline, former DWTS contestant and the trick whose last name sounds like the medical name for getting a boner while a catheter’s up on your peen
Seth Wescott – Olympic snowboarder
Parker Young – The hot but dumb jock son of Ana Gasteyer on Suburgatory
Ndamukong Suh – Football player
Dr. Robert Nettles – Plastic surgeon
Taylor Hicks – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
The Situation – Jersey Shore whore and #1 on the Health Department’s Most Wanted list
Rob Gronkowski – Football player
Steven López – Olympic martial arts fighter
Hope Dworaczyk – Playboy Playmate of 2010

See. It’s like looking at a line-up of all your one-night stands. So many questions marks filling your head!

You know who’s missing from this, though? JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT! The Choice is something right out of her Vajazzled wet dreams. It was made for her. Was Fox afraid that there wouldn’t be any men for the other tricks, because every time one came out, JLove would tackle him and secure him with a tuxedo straitjacket before dragging him to the nearest chapel? Did legal not clear JLove, because they were afraid of all the accessory to stalking lawsuits they’d be hit with? Oh, whatever. JLove doesn’t need to be on the show to catch a man. During every taping, JLove will hide around the corner from the studio exit door with a rope in her hand. Whenever she smells a man, she’ll drop the rope and a cage will fall on him. SCORE! JLove never gets a husband, but she ALWAYS gets her man.

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