John Travolta's Got Eight Inches And Thinks All High Class People Love Gay Sex
After I tucked myself into bed last night, I read the entire not-so-happy-ending massage lawsuit thrown at John Travolta by an unnamed masseur, and if you haven't already done so, you should do so tonight. Push away your laminated copy of 50 Shades of Mom Cream and get into this bedtime story. Yes, your nightmares will be haunted by a wig-wearing bloated pasty walrus waving his 8-inch dick of doom at you, but sometimes you have to suffer for foolery.
What we already know is that a masseur claims that on January 16, 2012, the Duchess of Scientology found the masseur's ad online and ordered a massage. During the massage, John allegedly molested the masseur's crotch, offered to squeeze the masseur's peen and went on a crazed rant about how gay Jews rule Hollywood before he jacked himself off in front of the masseur. If you switched the dude masseur with a chick, it would be like a regular night at Mel Gibson's house. But the fuckery is truly in the details and just like we did last night, let's dissect those!
Travolta had chocolate cake wrappers on the floor his SUV.
Believability: 0 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls. The less Tommy cackles, the truer it is!
Isn't chocolate an aphrodisiac? Well, so is downing Ding Dongs in an SUV with his homegirl Kirstie Alley while kiki-ing about the masseur dick he's hoping to wrap his Scientolohole around.
Travolta's personal chef was in the bungalow making hamburgers during the first hour of the massage and left once he was ready to get down with the masseur.
Believability: 0 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
Nothing gets Johnny in the mood for love like the scent of sizzling burger grease. That's why bitch buys his poppers at Carl's Jr.
Travolta's peen is "roughly" 8 inches long.
Believability: 5 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
I'd rather cover my bedroom ceiling with pictures of prolapsed rectums than think about Johnny's dick situation, but I can sort of believe this. I mean, most e-meters double as penis pumps, right?
Travolta's pubic hairy is "wiry" and "unkempt."
Believability: 10 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
Can I get a BITCH, PLEASE? Johnny is definitely as smooth as an armadillo's ass down there. When Johnny's eating Ding Dongs and sniffing burger fumes in a bottle while fapping, the last thing he wants to do is meticulously pick out chocolate cake crumbs from his dick bush. Besides, any hair that grows down there, he quickly plucks out and glues to the top of his head.
Travolta told the masseur that he's not even gay and hates the taste of cum.
Believability: 10 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
Tommy Girl and the other queens at the Scientology glory hole don't call Johnny "L. Ron Cumdumpster" for nothing!
Travolta told the masseur that the high-class in this world prefer same-sex fucking, because the sex is the best you'll ever experience.
Believability: 9 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
That sounds more like something GOOP would say if she came out as a lesbian. But I like it. The next time I get hate mail saying that man-on-man ass sex is disgusting, I'll let them know that they only find it disgusting because they are low-class trash. Only the high-class appreciates man-on-man ass sex, hunty.
Travolta told the masseur that there was a "starlet" staying in the hotel who was looking for some DP (double penetration) action. Travolta promised they could have her later, but they had to get in-sync first by sexing on each other.
Believability: 10 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
Was Lindsay Lohan staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel that day? NO! I'm joking. This is a falsity, because Johnny would never make a promise he can't fuck and that promise involved vagina.
Travolta made the masseur say something nice about him as he jacked off.
Believability: 6 out of 10 Laughing Tommy Girls
This is some terrifying Stuart Smalley shit. What do you say if Johnny is doing sex to himself in front of you and asks you for a compliment? When you're watching Johnny do himself, I'm sure the part of your brain that produces positive thoughts shuts down and quits your ass. I guess I'd tell him that he smells like Ding Dongs and hamburgers. That's TWO nices!
John Travolta has already denied all of this and says he wasn't even in L.A. on January 16th. John claims he has proof of this and is planning to pull his fist out of an escort's ass to fight this lawsuit. After reading this mess of a lawsuit, the only stuff I really believe is the crap about the chocolate cake wrappers and the full-time hamburger maker. But I'm sure the Scientology engineers still worked through the night making a sex tape using a John Travolta hologram and a Kelly Preston hologram. Johnny couldn't have molested that masseur, because he, a heterosexual man, was too busy having heterosexual sex with his heterosexual wife.
via TMZ


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I still think he would've been wise enough to make them sign confidentiality agreements and all of these male hookers would bend over for him, and they'd love for him to have them on their payroll. I think that someone got burned because JT never invited him back to his private parties and now is trying to get back at him.Trying to get the jewish community pissed at him is something that is clearly aimed at damaging his career.
Sorry but this all smells like an oily crock of shit dropped by these gay masseurs. If they are so certain this happened, why are they trying to stay anonymous and not face the media like all proud gold diggers (think Rachel Uchitel, Boobshit McGee) would?
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"Sal, darling, you are the reason some women go gay. ♥" - Submitted by Dog on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 6:32pm.
"life is precious, you must not have watched The Lion King, you heartless fuck"
I want to be a juror on this case, dammit!! Lol
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Call me a sucker (not the kind in the suit and countersuit} but I feel sorry for JT. This guy has probably had more rumors surrounding him over the past quarter century about his jonesing for Jagdwurst than Tab Hunter did back in the day. And yet he allegedly persists in pawing *any* available Y chromosome carrier in the vicinity of a barrel sauna. I just hope the Toothy Tiles of the world are taking note of this and realizing that if they want a secure closet, they'd best be sure that the baggage inside has been thrown out beforehand
RandéS, I know! I didn't want to laugh too loudly, *in case the illuminati jinxed me* But since the floodgates have opened, HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH ;D
#someanbuthedeservesit!
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♫"Now if you're sad and you're feeling blue
Go out and buy a brand new pair of shoes"♫ - Maggie M'Gill
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Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 7:21pm.
hahaha. I find it funny as hell--it doesn't matter if it's true. I like the idea of the entire court staff titillated, grossed out, or amused by the charges flying about.
Most of all I enjoy it when someone's elaborate fraud gets revealed.
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Gliss, Weight of Love
FAIL. why didn't the masseur record this with his phone? he had towels, and moving around when travolta was facing down.
Push record dumb ass!
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
RandéS, I knew this would be a pandora's box! Probably won't stick, but... there may be more! ;p
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♫"Now if you're sad and you're feeling blue
Go out and buy a brand new pair of shoes"♫ - Maggie M'Gill
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A second masseur, in Atlanta, has joined the suit against Travolta. The amended suit alleges:
"[Travolta had] a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table...Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat...Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of 'Glutes' work meaning a massage on his buttocks...While [the plaintiff] was massaging near Travolta's buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus.
Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2's hand on Travolta's scrotum. Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2's upper thighs and buttocks....Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta's erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover."
Link to amended suit: http://www.radaronline.com/sites/radaronline.com/files/John-Travolta-Ame...
By the way, he's not gay but he hates the taste of cum? O.o
Straight men have no opinion on the taste of cum because they don't taste cum. It's getting A-Team sad now. :'(
Travolta needs to stick to hiring hookers. Not terrorizing his masseur's or he could just hire a naughty one.
I don't know about y'all but John Travolta, his movies, his characters.... are good memories from my childhood. I loved him in Welcome Back (sing the theme song you know you know it) Saturday Night Fever and Grease. This saddens me. It's not his homosexuality (ok it hurts a little I had a crush on him for a few minutes) its how he lives his life. All dark sad secrets and lies. This sounds sappy but his duplicity fucks with my naive inner child. I want him to be who I always thought he was. But I'm a big girl now and I agree he needs to own it and move on. Be happy.
Barbarino walks away from this one. Someone will "out" the rat... then he will be all over the internetz. Wants a 2M dolla pay day... me too!
"I've had crabs. I've had lice. I've had the clap and that ain't nice. SO WHAT!?!?!?!"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..."
Submitted by bigorexia on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 2:34pm.
Oh boohoo, someone touched your peen. Now you need 2 million dollars to make it feel better.
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This made me laugh!
Submitted by MissDior on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 3:21pm.
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Haha *Dr. Evil voice* I will sue you for one million dollars! :)
@ islandgirl
I'm suing you for two million dollars for making me read that! I'm gonna have images of JT spreading his butt cheeks open stuck in my head all day! TRAUMA!
Ugh! Why did this masseuse stand there and watch John wanker off??! Obviously he knew he was going to strike it rich with John. There's no doubt John is gay and he gets off on these situations where he may get caught. How many stories like this have we heard? Whether you're gay/straight if you proposition people like this, you're asking for it.
Hmmm!!
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2012/05/second-accuser-files-sexua...
Submitted by SFRB on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 2:45pm.
This is a very funny post, MK!
Gay away the pray, I say!
http://www.houseofdandridge.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/307221_256039...
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I LOVE that!
I doubt Travolta will ever be "out." If he was, we'd all still laugh at him for picking up masseurs in his SUV with Trojans and Ding Dong wrappers all over the place. He obviously likes whoresex, because there were stories about him getting it in spas even when Jet was alive and John had his steady piece working as a nanny.
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This is a very funny post, MK!
Gay away the pray, I say!
http://www.houseofdandridge.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/307221_256039...
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So, my advice is you can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she born to do: ho. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch.
Also, can I please add: Shame on that masseur for his lies. He could of at least lied a little more for Johnny's sake and said that his peen was approximately 10 inches in length and resembled a California Burrito from Taqueria Arandas
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"Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated."
-Father Andrés García Torres, inventor of the Catholic Anus Ruler
Submitted by bigorexia on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 2:34pm.
I do think that John Travolta is a friend of the peen.
AS WE ALL SHOULD BE. ALL HAIL TO THE PEEEEEEEEEN.
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"Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated."
-Father Andrés García Torres, inventor of the Catholic Anus Ruler
I do think that John Travolta is a friend of the peen.
But this is probably just another case of someone trying to make a quick buck off of a celebrity. I mean... 2 million dollars? Oh boohoo, someone touched your peen. Now you need 2 million dollars to make it feel better.
Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 1:01pm.
So assuming all of this is true, what's Kelly Preston's deal? Is she a lesbian or does she get dick on the side? Aside from Will/Jada, I don't see what the beards get out of these arrangements.
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A lot of money. Real estate. Jewels. Fancy cars. Credit card at TJMaxx.
But seriously-- there are some posters here who worry about JT's mental health after living such a closeted life... is he so tormented he is ready to come out... oh, the anguish of living such a lie. Listen. These touch-feely notions would sail over and around Travolta's head, and don't get me started on George Clooney's circle jerk- Clooney, his latest beard, and the papparazzi. Once you get off the topic of MONEY, they don't get it. They think the public is a bunch of idiots, and maybe they've got a point. After all, how many openly gay men are A-list film stars? Don't tell me about TV stars. I mean FILM stars that cost expensive theater tickets.
Here is a Scientologist's worst nightmare:
The public: "Gosh, how can I believe Tom Cruise or John Travolta as hetero action stars now that I know they suck dick? I'll watch them on
TV, but I'm not PAYING anymore."
um...wasn't he debriefed by his church??
...I heard they do alot of debriefings...
maybe I'll burn in hell for that joke..
some people have no sense of humor..
he's catholic right?
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/
Also, does anyone not have wiry pubes!?
If he was thinking like a proper goldigger this guy has got some dna evidence on the towels ala Monica Lewinsky. Johnny boy has been photographed kissing a dude that was leaving a plane before, we all know the stories, hope the hypocrite is confronted with proof this time.
I'm surprised that Chef didn't sing Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You) before he left.
I wonder if Johnny Travolta and Tommy girl have ever gone down on the same dick?
So assuming all of this is true, what's Kelly Preston's deal? Is she a lesbian or does she get dick on the side? Aside from Will/Jada, I don't see what the beards get out of these arrangements.
I can almost guarantee you that masseur would have allowed touching or oral for a few hundred dollars more. He seized on the chance knowing Travolta would approach him that way and saw dollars signs by acting as though he did no want to do this. Travolta found him on Craigslist? And he is supposed to be a professional? Those ads mask masseurs who also give you happy endings. I call total bullshit on this and that motion filed by the attorney is written like a twelve year old child who aspires to be an attorney. The wording is hilarious and juvenile. I checked out his website and the firm is one of those that advertise on TV and let the public know they can sue everyone. I am not implying that anyone who is sexually harassed is asking for it, I loathe that type of thinking but I will be honest and say that I've known guys who have hired these "masseurs" in Los Angeles who advertise on Craigslist and gay sites and they all allow this. It is not unusual in any way and they encourage their customers to do it to make extra cash.
P.S. Michael you are hilarious as always.
As a licensed massage therapist, I believe this. It's jaw-dropping what men will try to do or will say to me....and I don't have an ad on Craigslist and my office is in a professional building.
It's easy to confess things to a stranger, and men also feel bonded to someone who touches them.
Michael K, this piece of writing is truly Pulitzer worthy.
"...and get on with living the rest of his life "out" and in the open."
yeah, xenu wouldn't like that one bit.
eta: the "yeah" part
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"Physical violence is the least of my priorities." - Drunken Albertan
(whether that happens or not is totally NOT up to him of course... which is the sad part.)
@ JTROS... "Either way, I feel yucky-sad reading this. After having been locked in the closet against his will by CO$ for far too many years, Travolta may be at his breaking point. This will not end well..."
I completely agree. To me.. despite the yuck factor.. the guy seems like a nice enough guy.. and has certainly had more than his share of heartbreak in his life. I feel bad for him that he HAS been locked in the closet for his entire career. I really think this is an overt cry for coming out.. and that he can't take it any more. I am sure he is sick and tired of living a permanent lie, and knew full well that one of these days, a story like this was going to hit bigtime. He is probably totally ready for it, and willing to take the PR hit, let Kelly divorce him.. and get on with living the rest of his life "out" and in the open.
This is so confusing. If he's not gay why is he trolling for gay sex? If the masseur wasn't interested why does he know every detail of his pubic area? Why did he wait so long to file this lawsuit? But I totally believe it's true. All the details - black chef, black Lexus, cake wrappers, wirey pubes (barf), Kelly Preston must be re-negotiating her contract as we speak.
Submitted by luvsmekitty on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 10:05am.
My favorite parts:
“overweight black man preparing burgers”
“From watching his skill and dexterity in food preparation...”
“defendant apologized but then snickered to himself like a mischievous child”
“who then lumbered to his feet…with erect penis bouncing around…”
And my very favorite:
“I will find new friends!”
LMAO!! This 50 Shades of Gay story is amazing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life- Michael K
Never happened.....but one day the truth will come out.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om9p0NUNlSk&feature=fvwrel
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 11:12am.
Submitted by betseyfan2 on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 11:01am.
Maybe, huh? I think that John Doe emailed a long summary to the lawyer, who pretty much cut and pasted it into the complaint. Did you see that first-person "we" they used?
Personally, I just get a kick out of imagining a fat chef flipping burgers while Mr. Qantas Pilot goes about his usual sordid business. Travolta is a man of many appetites.
^^^^^
Saw the "we", yup.
I wondered if JD had some sort of pretend lawyer on this, so I used the google...he appears to have retained himself a go-getter. Maybe he has a shitty secretary?
Oh, the image of (as s/o said) Chef from SP performing culinary feats in the background cracks me the fuck up!
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"Physical violence is the least of my priorities." - Drunken Albertan
LMAO @ "I'd rather cover my bedroom ceiling with pictures of prolapsed rectums than think about Johnny's dick situation"
MK, I've been laughing so hard while reading this post my whole face is hurting! Hahahahaha
honey, as an old show biz 'ho, I can tell you that this is not news. we've been well aware of it for nearly 30 years. seriously, it's a dick-to-dick showdown between Johnny T. and Kevin Spacey - the two worst kept homo secrets in Hollywood. even Tommy Girl's sprawling closets couldn't contain the countless stories I've heard...
oh come on! everybody knows hollywood is such a sexually perverted place! the part about the man on man action does not surprise me! they do it for ritualistic purposes
********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********
This is more "Eyes Wide Shut" stuff for me. If it's all true then think about all the secrets there must be in Hollywood and why does everyone shut their mouth? Carrie Fisher made a reference to John being gay but no one else has. Why not?? How can so many secrets be kept? Are people fearful of being killed? This makes me think of Randy Quaid and his wife and them talking about 'Hollywood Star Whackers'. Randy is probably speaking the truth!
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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oh i want moreeeeeeeeeeeeee.
i want more.................
i cant get enough of shit like this.
Submitted by Puppy Love on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 11:11am.
If JT's lawyer says he wasn't even in LA on January 16 and can prove it, this thing gets thrown straight out the window, no?
Not literally but it sure would poke a big hole in the case. :) That's a very specific allegation; most lawsuits say "on or about [date]," because no one's recollection is perfect.
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Gliss, Weight of Love
Submitted by betseyfan2 on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 11:01am.
Maybe, huh? I think that John Doe emailed a long summary to the lawyer, who pretty much cut and pasted it into the complaint. Did you see that first-person "we" they used?
Personally, I just get a kick out of imagining a fat chef flipping burgers while Mr. Qantas Pilot goes about his usual sordid business. Travolta is a man of many appetites.
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Gliss, Weight of Love
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 10:52am.
Submitted by karen on Tue, 05/08/2012 - 10:40am.
what's with the "black chef"?
John Doe's lawyer is African. They're providing that level of detail to corroborate the basic story. Sort of like the DA in Santa Barbara alleging that Michael Jackson's peen was oddly colored.
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I just read the actual document--the plaintiff also describes the chef as "overweight," no doubt for the reasons you explain.
If JT's lawyer says he wasn't even in LA on January 16 and can prove it, this thing gets thrown straight out the window, no?
Just come out already, dude!
Any calls or reports filed with the police? Methinks not.