I would mourn the loss of Marc Jacobs’ personal style by covering my face with my abuelita’s funeral veil, but this has put me off black lace for a while. This is the fancy ball version of the “prep school 4th grader at Liberace’s Thanksgiving pageant” mess that Marc wore in March. The memory of the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa María don’t deserve this. I can take the shoes since they look like they were worn by the first settlers of Plymouth Cock and I can almost take the dress since it shows off his nipples, but I will not and cannot take those Fruit of the Loom boxers. Marc thinks he’s being different, but this isn’t different. This exact outfit was worn by a man whose trick’s husband came home while they were just about to do each other in her grandma’s bedroom. Dude grabbed one of grandma’s favorite funeral dresses (without the lining) and grabbed the shoes she wore when she was a chorus member in her senior center’s production of a musical based on the life of the Quaker Oats guy. This is an outfit you wear when you have no other choice.
Marc could’ve saved this look if he wore a matching black lace thong instead of those Kmart special chonies. Oh, Marc, you are not Sharon Stone at the Oscars and those white boxers aren’t a t-shirt from The Gap. How dreadful.
There are a million pictures from last night’s Met Ball and I’m sure you’ve seen them all, but let’s do it again anyway. Here’s more than a few with my ten second thoughts (keep the GONG handy):
Elizabeth Banks – I love it when hos make a dress using only materials from wallpaper books at Home Depot.
January Jones – Are those alien eye tits or stoned bee in need of some VISINE tits?
Karolina Kurkova – This is the reason why gold sequins is on the endangered species list.
Lea Michele – Lea usually looks like a Romanian male gymnast in drag to me and she still looks like a Romanian male gymnast in drag here, but at least she’s not making sexyface.
Sofia Vergara – Was that dress made with the wings from a Rite-Aid fairy princess costume? And is that one of the White House crashers behind her?
ScarJo – That dress says “worn a million times before” and that hair says “I no own no combs.”
Kristen Stewart – That 80s hooker mess looked a lot better when it was worn by one of The Misfits.
Squinty Zellweger – If Squinty is sick of dating only gay guys, she should wear a dress with arrows pointing to her vagina instead of away from it.
Amber Heard – The color of that lipstick and the color of that dress can’t be friends.
Amy Poehler – WHY, AMY, WHY?!!!! It’s like Black Swan suffocating in a Hefty bag.
Ivanka Trump – Nope.
Melania & Donald Trump – Melania looks like she just made a fart and Donald looks like he’s in the process of making one. Please tell me that sometime during the night, Donald leaned his head on Melania’s shoulders and her ice pick shoulder pads cut the dog butt from his head.
Christina Ricci – Bitch look like a knit Kleenex cozy with silk tissue coming out of it.
Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough – Midget Ken and Beard Barbie!
Eva Mendes – Why do I suddenly want candy corn and black licorice?
Kiki Dunst – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It’s like a 1930s school marm who slaps kids with a ruler for sport.
Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz – Yes, Alicia’s crotch looks like the back of a full diaper, but that’s the least her problems.
Marion Cotillard – No shade.
Florence Welch – Bitch looks like a flamenco angel Christmas tree topper and I’m kind of into it.
Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake – Fix your hem, ho!
Carey Mulligan – I just want to put her on a Christmas tree branch right under Florence.
Paula Patton – No shade.
RiRi – RiRi felt uncomfortable and uneasy all night until she realized that it’s because you can’t see her nipples or the print of her coochie lips. Being so covered made RiRi feel so naked.
And finally….TOM BRADY’S HAIR:
Tom and Jizz need to stop trying to make him the David Beckham of American football. Dude does not have the face to be edgy. It looks like he gets his hair gel from a dick. It’s very There’s Something About Derpy.