“Come On Dude, I’ll Jerk You Off!”

May 7, 2012 / Posted by:

That line is the signature pick-up line I’ve been using for years and it’s the same line John Travolta allegedly used on a masseur who is suing him for $2 million for sexually assaulting him. TMZ brings us the story that is probably making Tommy Girl and the other boys in the Scientology men’s lounge laugh their thetans off. Let’s dissect the whole messy thing together:

According to the lawsuit, Travolta saw the masseur’s ad online, and scheduled an appointment for $200 an hour. The masseur did not know it was Travolta when the appointment was booked, but followed instructions and met up with a black Lexus SUV, which Travolta was driving.

According to the suit, Travolta and the masseur, who says he saw Trojan condoms in the center console, drove to the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to Travolta’s bungalow.

The sauna at the men’s spa must’ve been closed for maintenance if John Travolta’s looking for ass on Craigslist now.

Didn’t the masseur know that something seriously shady was up when his “client” asked him to meet on the street somewhere? You’re not supposed to let your Craigslist clients drive you to a second location! That has all the makings of a Lifetime movie that doesn’t end well. But I do like that John Travolta is letting everyone know that he’s a safety girl by leaving his condoms out.

The suit claims Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur’s leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.

The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a “reverse massage,” adding, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!”

Speaking of Lifetime, since they renewed The Client List for a second season, they should fire Jennifer Love Hewitt and make John Travolta’s handjob dreams come true by giving him her role. John does have the tits for it.

The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was “due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days,” adding “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”

I wonder who John Travolta humped on for his role on Welcome Back Kotter? I’m putting my lube money on Whoreshack.

The masseur — who is only listed as John Doe — claims Travolta called him a loser, but then doubled the hourly rate and sent him on his way.

Well, after allegedly molesting the masseur, calling him a “loser” and assaulting his eyes by jacking off in front of him, it was nice of John to pay double.

This whole thing is a mess and not the usual mess John Travolta leaves on the steam shower floor. This reads like the original ending of Dianetics. Everyone knows that John Travola regularly orders deep dick massages from masseurs, so this is easy to believe. It’s also easy to believe because Scientology mixed with the pressure to hide your real love  for hard dick turns you into a crazy monster.

There’s no way this lawsuit is going to go trial, because John doesn’t want all the skeletons he’s done butt sex with to come flying out of the closet. So if you see John wearing the same wig twice in one week, you know it’s because he had to use some of his yearly wig budget to settle with that masseur. I can’t wait to see Kelly Preston’s thetans scurry for the exit when a reporter brings this up in an interview. It really is hard out there for a beard.

UPDATE: John Travolta’s rep calls it a lie and he plans countersue a bitch, “This lawsuit is a complete fiction and fabrication. None of the events claimed in the suit ever occurred. The plaintiff, who refuses to give their name, knows that the suit is a baseless lie. It is for that reason that the plaintiff hasn’t been identified with a name even though it is required to do so. On the date when plaintiff claims John met him, John was not in California and it can be proved that he was on the East Coast.

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