The Avengers Made ALL The Money This Weekend

May 6, 2012 / Posted by:

Having waited 90 damn minutes in line to see that Hunger Games shit, I was not about to do it again for The Avengers so I was not one of the fifty billion people to pay $14 to see it this weekend. They didn’t miss my money, because it made a little over $200 million. To put things into perspective, that’s around $199, 999, 970 more than Katherine Heigl’s masterpiece Zyzzyx made in its entire run. The Avengers slapped down Harry Potter’s ass and now holds the title for having the biggest opening weekend ever. Showgirls SHOULD hold the title for having the biggest opening (you can stop right there and this sentence will still make sense) weekend ever, which is why I’ll never understand American cinema and shit.

Deadline Hollywood says that The Avengers has made almost $600 million internationally. It had the best biggest grossing opening weekend in IMAX’s history and also broke records in over a dozen countries. Allow me to translate those figures into slut talk we can all understand. Basically, The Avengers is the permanently hard 9-inch dick of superhero movies. Makes sense now, right? Here’s what the rest of the weekend’s box office looked like:

1. The Avengers – $200.3 million
2. Think Like A Man – $8 million
3. The Hunger Games – $5.7 million
4. The Lucky One – $5.1 million
5. The Pirates! Band of Misfits – $5.4 million
6. The Five-Year Engagement – $5.1 million
7. The Raven – $2.5 million
8. Safe – $2.4 million
9. Chimpanzee – $2.3 million
10. The Three Stooges – $1.8 million

I bet every single person who paid to see The Three Stooges only did so because their dumb asses didn’t buy tickets to The Avengers online.  Every movie theater cashier who sold a ticket to The Three Stooges probably heard the line: “The Avengers is sold out all night? Damn. Give me a ticket to The Three Stooges then, I guess. Damn!

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