Remember when you were 19 and your mother would tell you to “pat don’t scratch” your genital warts? Well, I was reminded of this when RiRi kept patting at her puss while performing on SNL last night. RiRi is obviously trying to coin a dance move like Michael Jackson’s dick grab, but I’m conflicted about this. On one hand, I don’t really need to see RiRi TSA herself in HD. On the other hand, RiRi playing patty cake with her chocha did take the focus away from her goat yodeling and the rest of her dance moves, so I just don’t know. But I do know that bitch needs to immediately make a “pat don’t scratch” PSA on behalf of the free clinic.
And in case you missed last night’s episode, here’s what I thought was the best part:
It’s kind of true, because I’ve heard women say that after reading 50 Shades of Crap, they had to put a mop down there to absorb all the panty pudding. When they walked, their gushy crotches made sounds like a small pony tap dancing on a full sponge. It must be a lady thing, because it didn’t have the same effect on me. I had to quit that book after 150 pages in. Yeah, they fuck a few times, but the author left out the most important detail: Christian Grey’s dick! How long is it in inches? If it was an item on Taco Bell’s menu, would it be a cinnamon twist or a chalupa with extra cheese? How am I supposed to get into that shit if I don’t know what I’m working with? That’s just lazy porn writing!