For about a year now, my idol Linda Evangelista has been trying to get $46,000 a month in child support from Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband Francois-Henri Pinault, because she believes her 5-year-old son Augie needs his own armed guards and a 24-hour nanny. Franny Hen (Can I call him that?), who just made hundreds of thousands of dollars in the time it took you to read that last sentence, doesn’t think it takes over half a million dollars a year to raise a kid. Franny Hen’s lawyers told the court that Linda is going to use most of that money on herself. Um. Today’s DUH is brought to you by that statement. Of course Linda is going to dip into that money to pay for beauty treatments, but only because supervising a $16k-a-month security guard and a $7k-a-month nanny is hard on the face. We all know that Linda once said she won’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. Well, she won’t get out of bed to supervise a nanny for less than $1,500 a day. Franny Hen is kind of getting a deal.
Linda, Franny Hen and their lawyers were all back in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday to continue to scrap over Augie’s child support. The Patron Saint of #getmoneybitch testified that after Franny found out she was knocked up with his kid, he tried to persuade her to have an abortion. Franny’s lawyer later told USA Today that those words never came out of his client’s mouth. Franny testified that Linda didn’t include him in her decision to have Augie, but he told her that he would “recognize the child.” Linda’s lawyer told the court that she’s supported Augie most of his life on her $1.8 million-a-year income, but she took a major financial hit last year when her contract with L’Oreal was not renewed. Linda’s lawyers also let it be known that his daughter with Salma Hayek has a $12 million Los Angeles home in a trust just for her.
Franny’s family is worth around $13 billion and his lawyers argued that Linda is just trying to “piggyback the lifestyle of Mr. Pinault.”
Until Mr. Pinault agrees to pay me $46k a month in support (Let me know if you need my PayPal info, Franny!), I will be Team #getmoneybitch now and forever. His defense is that he didn’t get a choice in whether or not Linda should keep their child and he doesn’t think she needs $50k a month to take care of Augie. Franny should’ve thought about that before he humped on Linda bareback-style. Franny is also a dumb bitch for asking Linda to have an abortion. That is a classic case of wasting your breath. If I was knocked up with a billionaire’s baby, I’d totally be like, “Oh yes, I’m totally going to get rid of a baby that is going to get me $50,000 a month in child support so I can hire a nanny to take care of him all the time while I’m off getting gold nuggets body wraps!”
But seriously, just like Salma Hayek’s daughter, Augie deserves his own security guard, a full-time nanny and a mommy whose skin is twinkling something magical from her weekly diamond dust facials. Mr. Pinault needs to kiss Linda’s freshly scrubbed ass.