After 21 Trimesters of Pregnancy, Baby Maxi Pad Is Finally Here

May 1, 2012 / Posted by:

Yes, most hos in Los Angeles had to take a row boat to work this morning after Jessica Simpson flooded the streets with the tsunami of amniotic fluid that poured out of her while giving birth, but at least she can now walk the streets without having to worry about Ooma Loompas trying to roll her into the juicing room. Jessica announced on her site that 9 lbs. 13 oz. of baby came out of her body at a hospital in L.A. this morning.

As the Pop Tarts industry weeps over Jessica inevitably going on Weight Watchers to get her “body back,” read the statement that I’m sure their baby wrote  herself since she had nothing else to do up in there but listen to Rosetta Stone MP3s.

“Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!” 

Maxwell Drew sounds like the name of Nancy Drew’s know-it-all boy cousin who has dreams of becoming an R&B star.

Now that that’s over, brace yourselves for all the magazine pictures of Baby Maxi holding her ears because she really doesn’t want to her mother oversharing at the mouth about how great post-birth sex is. And can somebody please tell Papa Joe to take off that human breastfeeding pump costume already? Jessica isn’t going to fall for it again!

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