The Time Simon van Kempen Jizzed On Himself While His Wife Was In Labor In Front Of Him
I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline "Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son" unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex's half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say "fuckthis" and crawled back up into his mother's body where it's safe. That image will stay with me forever and I'll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that's not exactly how it went.
In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I'll let Alex take it from here:
Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.
Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, "jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl." Alicia's son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that's why you can't really understand her, but what she said was, "Too far.... TOO FAR!"
You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word "creepy" but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.
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why would we ever want to know this? i just don't get why people have such a deep need to OVERSHARE
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
Well this is nothing if not an original story.. Funny when housewives become more interesting when they get fired.
@ lisbet & dementa..you articulated it better. Oy.
migaineuse..i *have* read (against my will, for a class, thank god never again) dworkin. If posting cuntiness on the interwebs makes you feel awesome don't let me stand in your way
As for your 'funfeminist' (never heard that one, is that what old feminazis call hot younger feminists? ) terms, wow. Your ignorance is stunning. Sex positivity has absolutely nothing to do with kissing up to men. Do you hate men? Do you hate women who groom and wear make up and denigrate them/assign them to a frivolous position as"lesser" feminists because they aren't appropriately strident? Get a handle on it.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 5:39am.
In other words….
1. "If you don't agree with me, then you not only hate women but gays!"
2. Unless you're humorless and judgemental, you're not really a feminist. Iz srius bizniz!
3. If you AREN'T humorless and judgemental, you're just sucking up to the men!
4. Being "sex-positive" has no part of feminism. Feminists should all be bitter, repressed spinsters who hate both sex and men.
5. Also, polyamory has no part of feminism, because feminism means a woman can't have multiple loving sexual relationships.
6. Everything and anything women and men do feeds into the Oppression of Teh Wimmynz. Every action, word and opinion must be interpreted to make sure we know how oppressed Teh Wimmynz are.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Submitted by bonghits4jesus on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 1:39pm.
Damn girl!!!! VERY nice call-out.
I too was wondering about the whole "sex-positive" remark. . . like, being unashamed of one's enjoyment of sex automatically makes one contrary to feminist ideals? That's so weird, because I thought I WAS a feminist. . .but I really, really like me some sex. I'm confused now. Guess I'll just give up and vote Republican.
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 11:18pm
Damn girl, that remark doubled me over with laughter and I actually drooled a little through my smile. Nice.
Oh for the love of CHRIST...DO NOT WANT. No.
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Winter is coming!
Submitted by Migraineuse on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 5:39am.
you know what? please do yourself a favour and re-read your comment that you posted here: http://www.dlisted.com/2012/04/20/nigel-barker-handling-unemployment-wel...
for all of your feminist & gender smarts, you deduced from the photos that it was a gay pride event and got shitty because the word girls was in the name. like a typical i'm-so-offended lazy ass, you couldn't be bothered to spend five seconds googling the event to learn about it - it was an event for women. if you want to critique the event, that's a different story but for you to whinge about how oppressed women are while remaining so ignorant - that's not ok.
if you want allies, learn to treat others with respect and learn to recognise your own privilege. let's talk about the homophobia and transphobia in the feminist movement and as a woman of color, i would love to talk about the racism and white privilege in the feminist movement.
also as a woman, i'm insulted that you think that being sex positive is somehow sucking up to men. enjoy your own self-imposed dworkian misery and oppression.
cool story bro(s).
congrats on surviving jezebel michael k, that website is pms-city.
Submitted by Diana Crabtree on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 6:28am.
your jezebel experience has been my experience on every so-called safe space feminist website. feminism is (mostly white) women telling other women what's socially, culturally, sexually, gender, etc acceptable because one woman's actions speak for all women. it's nonsense. straying means being attacked and/or outcasted for betraying women. it's like being stuck in high school forever.
o_O
Um. Ew.
I can see where a woman might experience a spontaneous orgasm just due to all the pressure, but the father by just witnessing?
Sexaholic?
Excuse me while i stick to the ad hoc mental picture of this circus freak couple doing some sort of ass-to-mouth fuckery during her labor, on account of everybody on a tv reality show being a contemporary circus freak doing the most disgusting shit for a living.
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Better a bottle in front o'me
than a frontal lobotomy
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 1:16am.
The only possible response to this in Dutch is "Teiltje!" (which basically means that you ask for a washing-up bowl to vomit in).
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I think "Teiltje!" needs to be a new tag here on Dlisted.
"That seems like a very unusual response to childbirth."
I am laughing at this understatement.
Sarah Smile
:O
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
WHATTHEFUCK!?!!!!!!!! That is some messed up shit right there I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE!
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
"It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake!" - MK. Ba ha ha hah!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that's just him. I asked my husband if he can in any way related to that story, he was beside me when I delivered our daughter, and he just looked at me incredulous and walked away.
Oh and Simon is totally gay.
Re: Jezzies. OMG they are out of control over there. From what I can gather, and this is totally unscientific, but the most strident amd thin-skinned PC Jezzies are young and students.
I find that age helps a woman prioritize her outrage nd experience teaches you to pick your battles. However, I am encouraged that there are young women who care about feminism passionately. And there are some crazy funny horz there too. A while back they had women posting shit on politicians' FB walls and posting what they wrote. That shit was priceless!
Ear Muffs!
Re: Francois and Johann. They won't be getting teased about their names. Mostly because all the other kids in their class have equally insufferable and pretentious names. Plus, the other kids have better ammo.
Having said that, I have a special fondness for Simon. He is so ridiculous I have to admire it. Like Phoebe price and Paz de la Huerta.
I purchased their "book" as an e-book sometime ago for a laugh. When I read this part, I literally never opened the book again. This is so awful -- and even more to think about SIMON doing this -- that I couldn't bear thinking about it.
These 2 will do or so ANYTHING for attention. Plus I would put thousands down on a bet that Simon comes out of the closet (at least as bi-sexual) in the future.
"All of us are lying in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."
-Oscar Wilde
This guy has a little Josh Brolin in the face, upon loading this pic, I thought did Josh leave his hot wife, Diane Lane for Ann Coulter (sporting a set of horse teeth?
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Submitted by Alix on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 10:26pm.
Submitted by TrashyWilma on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:37pm.
I stopped commenting on Jezebel a few years ago. Nobody there has a sense of humor and the "slut shaming" and "body snarking" and "ageism" is ridiculous.
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Not to mention the constant apologizing for possibly maybe inadvertently offending anyone or everyone. Ugh.
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Submitted by Banilla Bagina on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:11pm.
Such a non story these two..and jezebel has the worst motherfucking commenters. Thin skinned andrea dworkin fist pumping "feminists". Awful. Like.. "we need a 'trigger warning on this story" (for everything it seems) or "stop "bodysnarking"/slut shaming/fat shaming/insert anything here 'shaming'. It's so fucking OTT PC police it's gag worthy. It seems like a lot of the beasts on there are housebound single and weight issues (hence the "noo body snarking!" Refrain. Just torturous.
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The "trigger warnings" make incandescent with rage. It's like my grandma likes to say, if they're that delicate then they don't deserve the franchise. Logically, I know it's link baiting, but it makes women seem like we're so fragile we can't take the real world.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 5:39am.
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Jezebel is actually full of funfeminists of the "sex-positive", hipster burlesque polyamorous kind. Which isn't feminism at all really. Feminism seeks to end gender oppression while funfeminists only want to pretend they're all feisty and spunky and subversive, while sucking up to men.
Nice try, though.
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Translation: "blahblahblah, I can't think of anything serious to say to counteract this, so I'mma insult them."
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I'd like to invent some form of Godwin's Law in which anyone who mentions Andrea Dworkin without actually having read any of her work automatically loses the argument.
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Ooh, oooh, oooh!!! *raises hand and waves it wildly* I've read Andrea Dworkin and I think she was a moron! May I join in the conversation?!? May I, please?!?!? Pretty please?!?!?!
Submitted by Banilla Bagina on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:11pm.
Wow, Jezebel commenters sound like CDaN commenters. Some people are cool, but there is a growing number of PC bitches that take every story so fucking personally. Absolutely no sense of humor and they'll be damned if anybody says anything snarky about the poor defenseless celebrities. On a gossip blog.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
.. this is disgusting. Does anyone need to know this shit ??
This guy's new name to me is Simon Von Kumpants.
Migraineuse your special spice has been missed. Here's something from Betty White :-)
"It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake!"
Ahahahahaha it's exactly like that! I love it. Only Michael K.
*said in my best Shirley McClaine voice*
The best part about this story is it brought back my favorite Sandbitch Avie.
*chanting as always*
Shut the fuck up kid, you're in my closet now.
Off topic: I just read Megan Fox is pregnant on MSN...didnt MK already cover that story?
On topic: So f'ing nasty. The pic, the story. Just go away.
I, for one, am pleased to have a place where body-snarking (this includes skinny models) and slut-shaming is banned (heaven knows I appreciate the break from it) But my beloved Jezebel commentors *can* go over the top.
I once made a POSITIVE body comment about some athletes that criticised the Modeling, Ballet & Gymnastics worlds. I was suddenly attacked, for I forgot what, and learned my lesson that when you comment on there, you must pay close attention to the exact wording & punctuation, because if you put an "is" in the wrong place it will be jumped on, even if it's obvious you are writing something nice.
On topic- it seems like she made up a story to defend the icky realization that he was beating off during her painful labor. Maybe a nurse saw and threatened to report it.
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If you want to pop your pussy on the train tracks, more power to you. But don't try to pass it off as something more than popping your pussy on the train tracks. -MK
dianacrabtree.blogspot.com
This fugly couple paid alot of money for this gross story to be printed...
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
SERIOUSLY! A double post in the very wee hours of the a.m?
*shuffles off for coffee and gives up*
Submitted by azgirl on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 12:17am.
That is really disturbing. And how awful for the poor kid to have your parents print something so embarrassing. He will get shit for this story when he is older.
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I am not sure which kid it is that they are talking about , but both were doomed for school yard beatings when their pretentious douche bag parents named them Francois and Johann! JESUS H CHRIST, just call them Francis and John, ffs!
Submitted by Banilla Bagina on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:11pm.
Such a non story these two..and jezebel has the worst motherfucking commenters. Thin skinned andrea dworkin fist pumping "feminists"
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Jezebel is actually full of funfeminists of the "sex-positive", hipster burlesque polyamorous kind. Which isn't feminism at all really. Feminism seeks to end gender oppression while funfeminists only want to pretend they're all feisty and spunky and subversive, while sucking up to men.
Nice try, though.
I'd like to invent some form of Godwin's Law in which anyone who mentions Andrea Dworkin without actually having read any of her work automatically loses the argument.
Oh, and gay dudes out there? MK included:
The gender oppression we humorless feminists are seeking to overthrow includes homophobia. When you attack feminists you're actually making things easier for the gay-bashers.
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Penguin...Batman was so wrong about you.
Submitted by Sweetas on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:11pm.
Hmmm I guess I'm one of your "funfeminists.". I was doing burlesque since the early 2000s, along with drag performers and lesbians. Having fun with gender and sexuality is what burlesque and drag is about. It's not an oppressive experience.
Submitted by Fujicat on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 11:31pm.
Whether its scripted then carried out,(xyz sex tapes come to mind) or made up and talked about, it's all the same. Everyone's trying to outdo each other with these stories. One big childish gross-out contest.
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The most rational theory I've heard all day.
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Penguin...Batman was so wrong about you.
Submitted by Sweetas on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:11pm.
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 1:16am.
The only possible response to this in Dutch is "Teiltje!" (which basically means that you ask for a washing-up bowl to vomit in).
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The Dutch are awesome for having an actual word to describe this.
Seriously, why do some people act like shitting out a kid is some kind of miracle? The human race has been doing it for thousands of years now. Fucking narcissists.
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Penguin...Batman was so wrong about you.
Submitted by Sweetas on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:11pm.
Is Simon a homosexual?
Discuss.
I honestly did not think a gay guy would be that into babies and twats and babies coming out of twats.
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"She's Black & I'm Gay--- we create culture."
In that case, Mickey, Teiltje!
Why do people share stuff like this? Gross!
The only possible response to this in Dutch is "Teiltje!" (which basically means that you ask for a washing-up bowl to vomit in).
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
WTMI and/or a lie. Either that, or he's now imprinted with the vision of her engorged vulva and from now on will only be able to climax when presented with similar view. Or maybe..... he just outed himself as a connoisseur of similar fetish vids rivaling that of the Kardashian Kollection.
Wait what is Alex now? A successful designer? Must be a successful Art Director? A successful model? Maybe a huge fraud who inherited some money?
That is really disturbing. And how awful for the poor kid to have your parents print something so embarrassing. He will get shit for this story when he is older.
I am so grossed out by the thought of these two having sex in the first place, that the main point of the post simply just goes way beyond what I am capable of understanding.
*bleaches eyes and mind*
Have they ever heard the expression, "too much information"? They need that tattooed on their foreheads.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 8:57pm.
Go on...
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Sucky, you ain't right, but that's why I love you. Maybe you could finish the story for them. I'm sure that your version would be the best.