Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn’t like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn’t happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell’s life. So what’s a fame whore to do when a biography writer won’t let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell’s titties. Alicia’s six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn’t stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request.
“On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night… We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.
Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time.”
So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia’s ugly toe off. Please. They didn’t do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would’ve called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. “That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you’d have at a wedding reception.”
But you know, maybe I’m totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she’s seen the light peeking out of Simon’s nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon’s titties bounce IS a spiritual experience.