Monday, April 23rd 2012
Open Post: Hosted By A Fapping Seal
You're going to try to tell me that this isn't Seal beating his club while watching a lady bust out Adele during an episode of Australia's The Voice, but you won't convince me. I don't care if you tell me Seal's just got a case of restless leg syndrome, I won't believe it. I don't care if you tell me that he's happily relieved after a stubborn fart bubble finally made its way out of his butt, I won't believe it. Seal is fapping and you can't tell me otherwise. Obviously, the new way for the judges on The Voice to show they're really into a contestant is by whipping it out and going at it right there. You know what to do, Adam Levine! Or should I say, you know who to do, Adam Levine. Yourself! In front of us! GO!
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Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 7:15pm.
Hanging out in the cucumber section is probably a good idea too!
--
Whamo, do you think so? In the long fruit/veggie section? Hmmm... I wonder if she's tried the farmer's market? HAHAHAHA Honestly, I see them in the store all the time, maybe Twatty wasn't really looking yet! ;D
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"Latin and Greek are not dead, they are immortal!"
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•♩♦♮♠░░░░
Submitted by BernardProfitendieu: "if anyone doubts most of the commenters on dlisted are overweight women with desperately lonely middle-aged lives, just read through today's Open Post "
And yet you are here. AHAHAHHAA!!
Run, Bernard, run!!
Looks like there's a woman hater in our midst.
Twatty, So you had thought of it! There's younger Profs out there you know heeheheh. Unless you are just iffy and could change your mind.... in that case wine or gourmet cooking classes could still be interesting and you may even enjoy them together or on your own!
•-•-•-•-•-•
"Latin and Greek are not dead, they are immortal!"
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•♩♦♮♠░░░░
wow! if anyone doubts most of the commenters on dlisted are overweight women with desperately lonely middle-aged lives, just read through today's Open Post and have your doubts removed!
pathetic.
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is a walking argument against nepotism.
Submitted by little_rascal on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:52pm.
Submitted by youarestupid on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:14pm.
Twat Muffin, you don't even need a dating site. You go to your local supermarket, hold your head high, and dab some vanilla extract on your neck. Men will be running from all directions to nibble on your sugar cookie.
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Hanging out in the cucumber section is probably a good idea too!
WithinReason -- the last time I took a college course I ended up with the professor! I've been with him so long, but things aren't getting better and I'm thinking about my future, plus he's got more than a few years on me. It's a lot to digest. I get the sads just thinking about moving on, honestly.
Twatty has it been suggested yet? How about a college course just for fun! Or a wine tasting class! hehehe OMG, you should have no problem! Of course, need to be single first girl! Otw, poor guy! ;p
•-•-•-•-•-•
"Latin and Greek are not dead, they are immortal!"
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•♩♦♮♠░░░░
little_rascal -- slim pickins' at the Home Depot, too. One time I went in there all made up and you would have thought Sharon Stone walked in there; unfortunately the guys were a bunch of goobers. I hate so sound snooty, but I'm kind of picky -- I like my guys cute.
Submitted by youarestupid on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:14pm.
Twat Muffin, you don't even need a dating site. You go to your local supermarket, hold your head high, and dab some vanilla extract on your neck. Men will be running from all directions to nibble on your sugar cookie.
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I recommend Home Depot.
♫... Where the boys are......♫
MJT -- ain't that the truth? LOL!
CAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
*shares early evening sake with everyone*
I just want to say "Fk You!" to the weather, officially. Last week 91 degrees then drops to 65 by end of week. This weekend we have 82 degrees two days ago then 53 today then up and down and up and down! EVERYBODY IS GETTING SICK AGAIN AND I DONE PUT THE FKING JACKETS/WINTER CLOTHES AWAY, JUST STOP MOTHER NATURE damn!! *breathes
eta {{{Doggg; QBK}}}] *exits to do fking errands, boo
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"Discussions about what is good, beautiful, noble, pure, true, could always go on. Why is that important? Because that is the only conversation worth having." C.Hitchens,1949-2011. (RIP Winehouse & Houston, 2011) *caprica six was/is here*
Submitted by QueenieBK on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:23pm.
Submitted by Dog on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:15pm.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:03pm.
What, Dog, you didnt go through a period of being slutty? Were you dare I say it - virginal on your wedding night?
^^^^^^^^^
Nope and nope. But he is the only one I ever was with. It took him a looooong time to get me in the sackerooney. It's a fine thing to see a grown man beg; it sho nuff is!
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*applauds* that you could hold off till you got with Mr. Dog is admirable ... I held off till I was almost 19 (not with the old man) and shee-it, THAT was difficult!
^^^^^^^^^^^^
I held out until a little older than 19. *blushes*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Twat Muffin on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:27pm.
Tell me about it! The last hot guy I saw was at a party for a girlfriend at a straight bar (he was with the party).
Me: oooooh, he is hot - who is that?
My friend: You mean the gay one?
Me: *le sigh*
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I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo - Blanche Devereaux
youarestupid -- if only it were that easy, hon. The last time I remember looking at a man at the supermarket it was during the mini heatwave we had here in Chicago last month and I saw this slob of a guy wearing a tank top and he had hair on his back & his shoulders -- I wanted to vomit in the produce aisle! Actually, the last cute guy I saw was a gay waiter at the Cheesecake Factory -- things are not good here!!!
Submitted by Dog on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:15pm.
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:03pm.
What, Dog, you didnt go through a period of being slutty? Were you dare I say it - virginal on your wedding night?
^^^^^^^^^
Nope and nope. But he is the only one I ever was with. It took him a looooong time to get me in the sackerooney. It's a fine thing to see a grown man beg; it sho nuff is!
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*applauds* that you could hold off till you got with Mr. Dog is admirable ... I held off till I was almost 19 (not with the old man) and shee-it, THAT was difficult!
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by guest on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:56pm.
*reports Momus for theft of tballs*
^^^^^^^^^
I read this wrong and was wondering how Momus was seeing some guy's balls enough to steal them.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 6:03pm.
What, Dog, you didnt go through a period of being slutty? Were you dare I say it - virginal on your wedding night?
^^^^^^^^^
Nope and nope. But he is the only one I ever was with. It took him a looooong time to get me in the sackerooney. It's a fine thing to see a grown man beg; it sho nuff is!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Twat Muffin, you don't even need a dating site. You go to your local supermarket, hold your head high, and dab some vanilla extract on your neck. Men will be running from all directions to nibble on your sugar cookie.
@ Dog That's sweet.
@ Twat. No problem. Best wishes. I'm rooting for yah!
*momus hires self & i'll do all the typin, filin & copyin*
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
What, Dog, you didnt go through a period of being slutty? Were you dare I say it - virginal on your wedding night?
Speaking of sexy teachers, my significant other WAS my teacher.
Dog -- awww, that's sweet.
Salma -- thanks again for the advice.
Twatski, Male Dog was my first and only date so I can't help you. Good luck!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by guest on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:56pm.
*reports Momus for theft of tballs*
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OK. I know a good defense attorney.
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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkein
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Submitted by WithinReason... on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:30pm.
Sandbitch, LOL! Were the bugs crunchy? UGH! And... what did you do... WITH the... grasshoppers you kept in the jewelry box?!?!
---Ants, I ate ants. Not crunchy, more of a little *squish*. The grasshoppers were swaddled in toilet roll (like little baby jesusus) and put to bed in the velvet compartments. Occasionally, I could get one to sit on the twirling swirling plastic ballerina :).
And I would sing them grasshoppers Beatles songs, of course!
*AAAAAAAAAH LOOK AT ALL THE LONEY GRASSHOPPERS*
*WHERE DO THEY ALL BELONG????*
The Beatles Eleanor Rigby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaRNrDaoMqw
@ TwatMuffin
You'll have loads of men to choose from then. ;-)
A few last suggestions:
~Talk on the phone before meeting. You can weed out a lot of duds this way. There is nothing worse than meeting someone and there is no rapport.
~ Keep the first meeting short, an hour max. If you really like each other then you can make plans for a second "date"
~ Meet in a public place. You'll be surprised how many guys have suggested meeting for a walk in the woods as a first meeting. I've watched too many slasher films to know that this is never gonna happen.
*reports Momus for theft of tballs*
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
MJT - our football coach was THE SECKS! Mr. Garrison. Oh LAWD. I had the hots for him.
Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:44pm.
But, sadly, he was an honorable guy.
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Numero uno reason why I would never be a teacher...
LMAO agirl!! Even though Math is my best subject, I got a D that year... only year I did not get an A or B in Math... shocker.
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by Dog on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:45pm.
Submitted by guest on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:41pm.
No Twat Muffin I haven't since I'm very married & old enuff to be almost everyones mom. :))
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*offers guest brand news tennis balls for her walker*
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I must old enough to be almost everyone's granny then.
*snags tennis balls*
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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkein
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Thank you Doggie. *pats your head & shuffles off*
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Our sexy teacher was the football coach. Mmmmmmm Coach Ford. Whenever we would perform at pep rallys I always pretended he was just watching me. That man was SEXY.
One of my sorority sisters was on Nancy Grace for having sex with her student. Why is it ALWAYS the blonde beauty queens. LOL.
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I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo - Blanche Devereaux
Submitted by guest on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:41pm.
No Twat Muffin I haven't since I'm very married & old enuff to be almost everyones mom. :))
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
*offers guest brand news tennis balls for her walker*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Speaking of sexy teachers... Back in the 80s at my boarding school, there were lots of student/teacher affairs. I suppose it always is wrong but some of them seemed okay. A relationship between an 18 yo girl and a 22 yo man. Things were different then. One was skeevy (the guy was married with kids) but they didn't seem that bad.
I would have done chalk fapper in a heartbeat. We had a moment once when he almost kissed me. If circumstances had been different I am certain we would have fucked madly. We had an excellent rapport and sexy chemistry. But, sadly, he was an honorable guy.
SalmaNella -- god, I love your name! Thanks for the advice, sweetie! I live just outside Chicago, so unlike you, there's a shitload to choose from. Yeah, I would imagine there's a lot of lies to deal with. I'm just so scared. I haven't been on a first date with someone in over 20 years, so yeah, I'm super scared. I do want to meet someone long-term eventually, but I know I'll have to weed out some losers in the meantime.
Gardening Girl -- thank you, hon, that's sweet of you.
I'm sorry... I can get past the fact that he looks like a california raisin who spent a little too much time in the sun but I can not get past the fact that he's capable of wanking it while sitting so close to the guy from Good Charlotte.
Terrible Moments in Customer Service:
I called in to Bank of America at like 12 AM, after traveling for 6 hours, because my Super Shuttle guy either stole or forgot to give back my debit card. So i called in to cancel it. And the guy on the phone goes, "Would you like us to email you a new one?" And i go, "Well if I go into the bank tomorrow, will they be able to give me a temporary one right then, or would they still just mail me a temporary?" And he goes, "Yes." And I go, "...So would they give me the temp at the bank, or would they mail it to me?" And he goes, "You just asked that question. Haha! You just asked me the same question twice in a row." And I go, "...I asked you again, since I didn't know which part you were saying yes to." And he goes, in a condescending voice, "Oh I'm sorry. Yes. They would give you a temporary right then."
I proceed to hang up. And then replayed this beautiful moment in my mind over and over as I attempted to fall sleep. Typical person that hates his life and therefore gets off on treating all other people like shit, mainly the customers he encounters in his grueling job as a lost debit card responder. Sorry, I know that was hella whiny of me, but I felt it was Open Post worthy.
No Twat Muffin I haven't since I'm very married & old enuff to be almost everyones mom. :))
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:52pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:45pm.
AHAHAHAAA My psychology teacher used to do that... She was a HOTTERTHANHELLREDHEAD and used to do the handjob motion with the chalk... dear GOD how I wished I was a stick of chalk in those days... she used to get this sticky ball of spit that gathered in the middle of her upper lip when she talked... you can only imagine the dirty shit running through my head... It was all way to much to handle I can tell you that...
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REPORTED HOT FOR TEACHER
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:34pm.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:13pm.
My husband says that I broke the cardinal rule that all men learn at some point: unless she brings it up, or you see an actual baby coming out of her, *don't* assume she's pregnant.
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I learned this in 7th grade... I asked my Math teacher when she was due... Found out later she was a raging alcoholic with a fucking beer gut. no bueno.
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LOL Jack do you still have an incomplete for that seventh grade maff class?
double post
@ Twat Muffin
I have tried it and could write a book about it. It is a good starting point for meeting single men and depending on what you are seeking. (short term, friends, long term) be prepared for the LIES. Holy shit, nobody gives their real age, height or weight. Depending on the site, (I used the freebie, plentyoffish) you'll get a lot of trolls who'll make rude comments. If you go in without huge expectations, you'll do fine. I did have a long term relationship as a result of online dating so its not all bad.
However, I'm wary about trying it again because I live in a small town which equals in a small pond with infected fish. The last time I logged back in it was all the same guys on there. Lifers!!
Good luck and let us in on any juicy dating stories. ;-)
Submitted by Sandbitch on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:27pm.
Submitted by Dog on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:16pm.
Only the UK Brownie troops eat chalk. Ask Sandbitch.
---I'm so going to scan the pic of me in my brownie uniform, doing the salute LOL. Srsly, where I lived in the UK, there were lots of natural chalk deposits. One could dig up a clump in the back garden. And fossils. And a hedgehog.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Pffffft. Get back to me when you unearth a Bog Mummy.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
No, Mike. Just torrential rains and winds.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
LOL when I saw Seal enjoying himself on Gawker I knew MK would post about it - who could resist such a heartwarming story!
Sandbitch, LOL! Were the bugs crunchy? UGH! And... what did you do... WITH the... grasshoppers you kept in the jewelry box?!?!
I made my sibs eat all sorts of goodies even "tasty" soap HAHAHAHA, I won't say what I ate... #sonotproud ;)
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"Latin and Greek are not dead, they are immortal!"
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•♩♦♮♠░░░░
Twattie, for what it's worth I hope that you find someone that does treat you how you should be treated and appreciates you.
Submitted by Sandbitch on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:27pm.
lol, that's my favorite of your many avies