Brace Yourselves For All The "Race To The Altar" Tabloid Covers.....
Jennifer Aniston's dreams of marrying an actual human man (instead of a Real Groom Doll) by her minister dog (she made him get officiated online a couple of years ago) while surrounded by Beanie Baby flower girls and Cabbage Patch bridesmaids in the basement chapel she's having built in her new Bel Air mansion is not going to happen, because she doesn't have time for that shit now that she has to beat those whores Brangelina to the altar. TMZ says that Jennifer Aniston is about to make every tabloid editor drown in a pool of their own panty pudding by marrying Justin Theroux this summer.
A source (aka their publicist) close to the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete, Greece told TMZ that Jennifer was there recently checking the place out as a possibility for her wedding venue. Jennifer told the hotel that she's planning a July wedding. Jennifer chose Crete as the place she wants to break the spinster curse Maddox put on her, because that's where her dad is from.
Here we go.... Today's headline is "Jennifer Aniston to Marry in Crete" and tomorrow's headline will be "Angelina Jolie BUYS Crete." Next week's headline will be "Jennifer Aniston to wear Vera Wang" and that will be shortly followed by the headline "Angelina Jolie ADOPTS Vera Wang." The summer Olympics will be foreshadowed by hos watching Brangie and Jennifer Aniston racing each other to People's "YES! We're Married!" cover. I just hope that the camera man zooms in on Maddox right before he puts his foot in front of a sprinting Jennifer Aniston as she's about to pass Angie.
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Well I'm 5'1" and 282 lbs and you can all suck on my back rolls, k?
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Dark-sided!
Hey Pimp! Loons going on about our waistlines.
UGH...mines huge but that's because despite my idol I am not barren. BAWK.
Totally love what K2 said about Angie having Jen's SLOPPY SECONDS!
I love JA and I do not see the appeal of Justin - at all.
I have this itching feeling that Bernard is one of Jen's long lost hemorrhoids that got cut off sometime during the Vince Vaughn era. Don't let him get to you and be in your ass too
K2, ummm, no, I don't think you would be considered fat at a size 4, unless you were 2' tall. Even then.....nah.
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I'm your huckleberry...
Submitted by SalmaNella on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:01pm.
I'm glad I'll be in Crete way before this mess allegedly takes place. Oh well, on the bright side, a big celebtard wedding will help with Greece's economy.
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True, there COULD BE a silver lining for Greece after all! ;P
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"Latin and Greek are not dead, they are immortal!"
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•♩♦♮♠░░░░
Submitted by Pimpcessa on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:37pm.
By the way, loon, I'm a size 4, and 5'8".
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I'm a size 4, and 5'4" . Does that make me fat? Ahhh, fuck you, Bernard!
K2 *kiss*
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I'm your huckleberry...
cake coke and cock on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 2:01pm.
Honestly, I think these two are having way too much sex to bother with getting married.
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Right? Why ruin a good thing? My Daddy always told me "If it fly's, fucks or floats.....RENT IT!
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I'm your huckleberry...
how YOU doin?
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Settle down, Joey.
Honestly, I think these two are having way too much sex to bother with getting married. Marrying is for the losers who've been sticking it out for the past 7 years and a) are too full of themselves to deal with trying to be fuckable to anyone else's eyes and b) have way too many kids to even remember what a normal conversation sounds like. And I just made myself gag with the memory of Brad's: "Okay kids, mommy and daddy are going into the other room to kiss." I'm so sorry guys.
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Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
Hey Mickey and Jack!! Muah! Yeah, I have a hard time keeping weight on. Not to the extreme that AJ does though. This bitch can EAT!!
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I'm your huckleberry...
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:56pm.
Don't bother. Bernard is a known troll. Probably paid by Maddox.
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I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo - Blanche Devereaux
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:32pm.
Bernard, yep...keep calling everyone fat, because that makes total sense.
It doesn't just make total sense, but this person seems too much of an idiot to realise that if we're all fat fucks around here then by default she must be one too.
Bernard, sometimes it's easier for people to open up to relative strangers. You really should give the Open Post another chance, because I've seen people give one another some pretty good advice in there on occasion.
SalmaNella, ITA. Maybe we should all take lessons from Shirley MacLaine. She could probably teach us a thing or two about being cunty in an original manner.
*hates Pimpcessa with a passion for being a a size 4, and 5'8" GODDESS*
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
Submitted by Pimpcessa on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:37pm.
By the way, loon, I'm a size 4, and 5'8".
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how YOU doin?
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
@ Datura - LOL! That got me. haha.
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I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo - Blanche Devereaux
PIMPCESSA! ♥
Loons sure are predicable, they are compelled to thrash Aniston. Poor loonies, it must help them through their sorry day.
MILLIONS OF TEARSODDEN STUFFED TOYS ARE CRYING.
Submitted by BernardProfitendieu on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:29pm.
yup ... if it's an Aniston post, the middle-aged fatties are all over it (between trips to the fridge, natch).
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If I wasn't in the middle of struggling to zip up my Xtra large mom jeans, I'd write you a lengthy and eloquent rebuke.
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“he looks like some sort of sea serpent like an octopus, catfish or something from pirates of the caribbean and his stomach is gross it looks like hes prego with a giant wiener” – kittymuffin on The Situat
M.E. - xoxoxo
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I'm your huckleberry...
BAWK BAWK BAWK!
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:34pm.
Characterizing your fellow site visitors as "overweight middle-aged broads" is not going to win you any friends, Bernie. LOL.
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it's how they characterize themselves in their way-too-much-information sessions in Open Post
lonely little group if you ever read them
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is a walking argument against nepotism.
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:34pm.
Characterizing your fellow site visitors as "overweight middle-aged broads" is not going to win you any friends, Bernie. LOL.
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yeah, it is reminiscent of school yard name calling when the other person has nothing clever to say except, "Oh yeah, but you're FAT and UGLY!"
parissucksliterally - I told it to quit jacking off, as it's clear his vision is going.... How juvenile to call people fat, because you disagree with them. But, in its defense, logic and maturity are not requirements for a loon.
By the way, loon, I'm a size 4, and 5'8".
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I'm your huckleberry...
Characterizing your fellow site visitors as "overweight middle-aged broads" is not going to win you any friends, Bernie. LOL.
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
Bernard, yep...keep calling everyone fat, because that makes total sense.
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No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
yup ... if it's an Aniston post, the middle-aged fatties are all over it (between trips to the fridge, natch).
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is a walking argument against nepotism
TwoDrink! Sup babeh?
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I'm your huckleberry...
Hey PSL!! xoxoxoxox to you too. Yeah, I have seen the loon here a few times, I know it needs attention to stay alive, so I threw it a bone....chicken bone that is, haha.
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I'm your huckleberry...
I would leave the loon to itself. We all know there's no reasoning with it. It spews the same bile and only frequents JA threads (or makes JA comments on Brange threads). It's goes by a dozen names but gives itself away by saying the same shit over and over. There's no reasoning with it...too many screws loose there.
Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:20pm.
Submitted by youarestupid: "Justin Theroux belongs with his one true love Kesha... because together they are bound to make a baby that looks just like Danny Zuko."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!
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LMFAO!!!! I'm sitting at work on a fucking conference call and THIS just made me laugh out loud.
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
PIMPCESSA!!! xoxoxoxoxo
Bernard is ridiculous. How someone as harmless as JA could inspire such hatred is beyond me.
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No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Doubt this is gonna happen. But if it does, she bettah have an ironclad prenup cuz I don't see him staying with her for long--just till his career really takes off or she catches him with someone younger.
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Please: It's "rahnday."
Submitted by youarestupid: "Justin Theroux belongs with his one true love Kesha... because together they are bound to make a baby that looks just like Danny Zuko."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!
ubmitted by BernardProfitendieu on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:06pm.
how predictable ... this talentless, attention-starved, lumberjack-jawed, man-chinned, one woman skankfest has had her PR team in overdrive the last week and this is just the unveiling. More, oh so much more to come as Aniston tries to convince the world she's insanely happy.
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Girlfriend your bitterness is fucking creepy. Also, this greek wedding story actually came out BEFORE the brand announced their engagement. Feel free to look it up on Google. It's at least a month old but has now been reheated so that loons like you can accuse her of copying the brand.
But most importantly, you need to do something about your hate and bitterness. You sound like an incredibly sad and lonely person with some serious mental issues.
BernardProfitendieu - you, my dear, are the epitome of "lather, rinse, repeat". You are always saying the same crap. Never anything new or even funny.
The difference between "the overweight middle-aged broads who frequent this sight" and you and your freaky friends at JJ, is that we can at least find humor in JA's short comings and not take everything so seriously. You (and the other loons), on the other hand, would have someone killed over a comment that showed any type of humor over AJ's short comings. When she threw out that chicken leg on the rd carpet, y'all were jerking off to the pics for weeks. By the way, quit touching yourself so much, you're obviously going BLIND!
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I'm your huckleberry...
JAMES HAVEN♥, make your self visible to us! this is when we need you the most!
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
DO NOT CARE!
k2 - i think you are right! man, i wish he were here.
james, james - come out of retirement and write us a phone call??
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
Submitted by tasty dish on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:03pm.
she had Pitt at his hottest. i'll give her that. Angie got sloppy seconds IMO
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She had Fight Club Pitt !! Doesnt get better than that. Jolie got Benny Buttons.
hey, didnt someone used to write phone calls between jen and brad's mom?
can one o'y'all do that for me?
i think it'd be a good phone call, right about now.
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I think that was James Haven ....
He was always good for some laughs... oh how he is missed.
she had Pitt at his hottest. i'll give her that. Angie got sloppy seconds IMO.
God Bless the Aniston-Therouxs!
I'm glad I'll be in Crete way before this mess allegedly takes place. Oh well, on the bright side, a big celebtard wedding will help with Greece's economy.
hey, didnt someone used to write phone calls between jen and brad's mom?
can one o'y'all do that for me?
i think it'd be a good phone call, right about now.
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Posh Beckham is one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.
Justin Theroux belongs with his one true love Kesha... because together they are bound to make a baby that looks just like Danny Zuko.
Just now bothered to read the TMZ story.
It reads like an ad for the hotel....$2,300 wedding pkg. LOL!! AS IF she would book THAT place!
Booking destinations for celebs is a tricky and VERY anonymous biz, with - if everything goes as planned - only a handful of people knowing who's booked where and when. And HEAVEN HELP YOU if you leak info.
If it's not an ad, then it's a decoy.
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"Physical violence is the least of my priorities." - Drunken Albertan
Justin gives the impression that he knows exactly what gets a woman off... whereas, Pitt seems the type that would need a GPS. He has that slow learner look to him. Doesnt matter how hot he use to be.