This Is Not What Any Of Us Signed Up For

If the anticipation for the all-pecs Showgirls, Magic Mike, was a hot piece you met at a bar, then its trailer will feel you with the same cold emotion you feel when you pull down that hot piece's chonies and stare directly at a tequila worm-sized soft dick that is looking at you like, "Meh." The blood from your sex parts rushes up into your brain. That's not what's supposed to happen!

Magic Mike is supposed to be 90 minutes of man bananas flopping around in hammocks over and over again, but by the looks of the trailer that's not what it is at all. Close-up shots of sweat trickling down Matt Boner's nipple have been replaced by shots of the ugly ass junkyard furniture Channing Tatum's stupid character made. A slow motion montage of ass cheeks clenching on stage has been replaced by some annoying walking lady jaw who won't stop talking! Joe Man-Jello twerking his pecs to "Turbo Love" has been replaced by a RiRi Song. Why couldn't the marketing whores for this movie just give me the trailer that was in my head?!

I don't want some rom-com where a bottom of the barrel Blake Lively (who is a bottom of the barrel Kate Hudson who is a bottom of the barrel Goldie Hawn) keeps telling the strippers to put their clothes on, stop dancing, cover up, don't be a stripper, do something with their lives, blah, blah, blah ... Bitch is like that parent who keeps knocking on the bathroom door while you're trying to fap in piece.

Steven Soderbergh, thousands of pairs of blue balls hate you today.

Posted by: Michael K

•

I Don't Like Jokes • Magic Mike • This DOESN'T Belong In A Museum • Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Submitted by Lisbet459 on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:24am.

Submitted by Bigbendy on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:23am.
Harlow, I'm right there with you. Now David Gandy needs to start acting in films, and all would be right with the world.
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DAVID GANDY IS IN THIS!?!?!

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:22am.

Half naked, built men thrusting their peens at me through the screen...

Yup, I'm there, don't care if there is a plot to this movie or not.

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:16am.

Diahann Carrol Stockard Channing Tatum O'Neal needs to stop with the fuckery, START with the strippery and give the people his one true talent.

Because acting ain't it!

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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©

Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:15am.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:24am.
Evil Cupcake, you said it better than I did. :)

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I was getting scared by all the Tatum love shown here until you and Ihearthaters chimed in. Now I don't feel so alone.

His face makes me angry just having to look at it!

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:11am.

Channing didn't do it for me until 21 Jump Street...now he gives me special tingles. Yum. Yum.
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I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo - Blanche Devereaux

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:09am.

Beeeefcaaaake!

Submitted by loopygorilla on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:09am.

the only way to save this movie, is the entire male cast, except channing tatum. end up in some gay orgy.

Submitted by mike on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:06am.

The only way this could possibly be good is if they tried to make it bad-good, and that's just not Soderbergh's forte.

I'm not sure what to think about Soderbergh's involvement in this mess. I'd never heard any rumors about him, but I'm inclined to think that Channing Tatum is screwing him.

Submitted by Lisbet459 on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:09am.

I like Channing Tatun. I spent most of "21 Jump St." snorting Diet Coke out my nose.

He's not the most talented guy on the planet, but he knows what works for him and, more importantly, he just does it. He's not sulking because people won't treat him as A Real Ack-Tor. Self awareness is rare in H'Wood.

Plus, he's funny.

Stop judging me, okay? Ahh lahks mah men biiiiiiiigg.

(Yeah, I'll probably see it.)

The woman, who's the love interest (? I didn't watch the trailer all the way through) seems super annoying, though. She reminds me of Rebecca Hall, who was in "The Town" and "Vicky Christina Barcelona". Just the monotone voice, and everything about her, is like fingernails on a blackboard for me.

Submitted by Janice Second on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:05am.

Yeah Channing Tatum is fug but Alex Pettyfer is anything BUT fug. Good lord that boy is cute.

Submitted by RichBitch on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:59am.

Cody Horn has already ruined this for me (thanks to her monotone, dead-eyed delivery) and giving her such prominence in the trailer kills any promise this film had. Nepotism in action folks (her dad is President & COO of Warner Bros. Entertainment who just happen to be the film's distributor) but I'm sure it's nothing like that, she was just "right" for the part!

Submitted by Bigbendy on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:57am.

Eh, who cares really. Just SHOW ME THE BEEF!!!!

Submitted by Oxygen on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:56am.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
and that chick is dull and hideous.
I can't stand strip clubs (male or female). I went to both down in Key West FLA with my hubby as a treat for him (girls) and to punish him (males) and was so unimpresssed. Hang10 looked like he had a fuggin elephant muppet snout hanging down to his knee and this bitch was trying to smash my face in her tits. My man got no action from either joint. SO not into this bullcrap cause that's not how my experiences have been.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:54am.

Evil Cupcake, you said it better than I did. :)

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Ah, I should have known it from the very start
This girl will leave me with a broken heart
Now listen people what I'm telling you
Keep away from-a Runaround Sue

Submitted by Bigbendy on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:53am.

Submitted by harlow on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:15am.
I feel like buying a ticket just to support more man meat in the media...if it's a success, Hollywood will milk it and hopefully instead of shitty remakes, stuff about norma jean, and movies about the making of movies, we will be bombarded with more naked buff men storylines. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
XxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxXxxxxxxXxxxxxx
Harlow, I'm right there with you. Now David Gandy needs to start acting in films, and all would be right with the world.

Submitted by BRADIFUL BITCH on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:52am.

Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:13am.

Can I just say how much I HATE Channing Tatum. I HATE HIM. His face just makes me want to beat it repeatedly with a claw hammer!

^This. Co-sign. I usually love over the top CGI enhanced action movies, GI JOE SUCKED!
On a different note, Tranformers 3 was on cable the other day, I watched that despite Rosie AnalLips Whitegirl.

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I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
"Leave Alicia alone. All Japanese people look the same and China is a very big country".

Submitted by yucko on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:50am.

Well, now I finally know who sings that song. Up until now I had only heard it from Kidz (Kids?) Bop commercials. I would have figured it was more like... Natasha Bedingfield material.

Agreed the girl seems annoying. Clearly not the best female casting. Did anyone else ever seen an episode of that "Perfect Couples" show? Good god, Olivia Munn cannot act.

I used to think Channing Tatum was fug. Now, ugh... sometimes I find him attractive. It really depends on his head hair/facial hair/face bloatedness. He's kind of "eh" here but I'd probably still watch this.

Submitted by Bigbendy on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:50am.

Submitted by Deb on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:46am.
XxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxx
Deb, I totally agree. We don't need the volume on, just watch it for the visual effects. Anything dialogue cant be too impressive anyway.just make it a silent film....it may win an Oscar like The Artist.......nah, hahaha.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:49am.

Honestly, I have never had any interest in seeing this. And I do not think Channing Tatum is hot at all.

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God sometimes you just don't come through
God sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God sometimes you just don't come through

Submitted by ethang on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:50am.

It's definitely not the male "showgirls" flick I was expecting. Looks like a typical romcom.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:48am.

SEE HOW YOU ARE????

You'd rather joke than punish me??????

LOL
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Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?

Submitted by harlow on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:45am.

I feel like buying a ticket just to support more man meat in the media...if it's a success, Hollywood will milk it and hopefully instead of shitty remakes, stuff about norma jean, and movies about the making of movies, we will be bombarded with more naked buff men storylines. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"that's the first time i had dick in my mouth, and that's the last time i'm going to choke on it.." Dani

Submitted by suckandfuck on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:43am.

This looks like that commercial for that Zac Efron movie where he plays a gay guy who makes out with a chick, did you see that?

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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.

Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:43am.

Can I just say how much I HATE Channing Tatum. I HATE HIM. His face just makes me want to beat it repeatedly with a claw hammer!

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:41am.

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:08am.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat: "*busts in to thread in clown suit*"

*waves a grimy $5 bill at clown*

What's under the clown suit, clown?
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Let's just say you'll be wanting change for that 5... :(

On topic: my gf will probably make me watch this. She gets the creamjeans over this Channing dude.

ETA: LMAO at beaker
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"So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up." ~ Kenny Powers

Submitted by beakers bitch on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:41am.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:05am.

Is it big and floppy like your shoes? Do you have it dressed up as a flower and ask women to smell it? Does it make a slide whistle sound when it grows?

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:38am.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat: "*busts in to thread in clown suit*"

*waves a grimy $5 bill at clown*

What's under the clown suit, clown?

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:37am.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 11:05am.
*busts in to thread in clown suit*
*honks horn in hoffer's ear*
===============================================
That seriously made me bark out a laugh!!

Waka waka waka...!! LMAO!!!

Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:37am.

OH Whamo, Jack!!

I've been very, very, VERY bad...

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Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?

Submitted by beakers bitch on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:36am.

Holy cheeseball, batman! I'll still watch this...when it finally gets on Netflix streaming in two years, because I lurve Channing Tatum. Oh, the dirty things I would do to him. LOL @ man bananas.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:35am.

*busts in to thread in clown suit*
*honks horn in hoffer's ear*

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"So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up." ~ Kenny Powers

Submitted by guest on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:33am.

*will watch on cable*

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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:32am.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:57am.
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:55am.

Yeah, but are you gonna whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks?
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I will and you'll be doing a hell of a lot more than THAT!

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:31am.

Derpy, rubber-faced one-trick pony.

Not even if you paid me.

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:28am.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:49am.
Okay, Christine comes (cums) clean
I have fantasies about a dirty, hot, brutal cop abusing me...
"Jack do you hear me?"
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*locks Jack out of the "the cell" and tells CTH to stand the fuck up for frisking cause I KNOW she's hiding something*

Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:27am.

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 10:55am.

Yeah, but are you gonna whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks?
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Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?

Submitted by TOPANGA on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:25am.

Real life male strippers do absolutely nothing for me. Theres just something awkward and ick about some random oiled up man with his junk in my face trying to "work" it. But I'm still going to see this movie solely because of Channing Tatum. He could get it. *Starts saving ones*
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"

-Mean Girl,Regina George

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:25am.

I know some of you ladies have the vapours for Channing Tatum but the guy is one of THE WORST actors I've seen. I just shake my head at HW these days.

Submitted by NOT IMPRESSED on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:25am.

OMG that chick is AWFUL. Manly, fug, and she has even LESS charisma than KStew. What the fuck?

Aside from the horrible female casting, I don't think that movie looks *that* bad.
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Douchechill!

Submitted by StillaVllyGrl on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:23am.

I'll just stand over here in this corner. *thinks this looks kind of good*

Submitted by christine the hoff on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:19am.

Okay, Christine comes (cums) clean
I have fantasies about a dirty, hot, brutal cop abusing me...
"Jack do you hear me?"

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Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?

Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:20am.

I'll save my money for Thunder From Down Under.

Matthew MacConaughey looks like the hottest part of this movie. Sad.

Submitted by Deb on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:16am.

Ummmmmmm. I might enjoy this with the sound off. Olivia Munn's voice is very annoying.
Matthew (T-Rex) McConaughey looks pretty good.
It is so nice and refreshing to see a (non-gay)movie objectifying hot men.

"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson

Submitted by TexnDoc on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:16am.

It was on TV already in the 80s with Gonzo from Trapper John MD. Mary Hartman Mary Hartman was the lonely housewife who falls in love with the main stripper. Wonder who plays her in this .

Submitted by suckandfuck on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:16am.

olool at this movie being like "ok I am a stripper but i have the brainz too k?" what happened to Matt Boner????????? AND THE REST OF THE DANCING MACHO DEWDZ? I want to jerk Matt's Boner with my asshole.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:15am.

Man, that poor man's Blake has an ENORMOUS CHIN!

I didn't know Channing could dance?

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by guest on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:17am.

Oops wrong thread.

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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.

Submitted by harperharper on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 9:14am.

I agree with you MK - I'm already annoyed by the "voice of reason" girl.
Don't think that this movie should have any reasoning in it.
I DO think that Matthew MacConaughey should have played EVERY part in this movie!

April 19, 2012 > I year Dlisted Anniversary!!