You’re not reading this from a raft while floating on a sea of Jessica Simpson’s amniotic fluid after she flooded the earth during birth, so that means she’s still pregnant. Well, InTouch Weekly’s new editor must be Miss Cleo, because they have all the details of Jessica’s future labor day including whether she had a C-section or punane birth (SPOILER ALERT: Neither. The 4-year-old tried to slip out the back hoping she can start a life for herself somewhere far away. Didn’t happen.) and what the first words she said to her daughter were (SPOILER ALERT: She said, “Uh, are you going to eat the rest of that placenta?”).
In other news… Suri, I know it’s your birthday and you’re busy unwrapping the amythest-encrusted live unicorn your daddy bought you, but please find the time to Western Union your sister some rent money.