It’s been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they’re getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline “JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD’S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!“, you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the “f” is silent) says that Jen isn’t handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she’s happy for Brangelina and she’s even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words:
“Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren’t for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she even went to their wedding.”
If there’s a wedding, I’m sure Jen will be invited and I’m sure she’ll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn’t going to the wedding, but only because she physically can’t since she’ll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I’m sure Jen will do what we’re all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let’s see how good of a homewrecker she truly is.