iBarf

When Variety pushed out the news yesterday that the piece of mutant dick cheese known as Ashton Kutcher is going to play Steve Jobs in an indie biopic, everyone assumed that the first of April was just yanking the Internet’s dick one last time. But it’s the morning after and Variety still hasn’t dropped a J/K on our asses. It’s true and now the Apple fanboys can officially shit out their iButtplugs over this mess.

AssStain will follow-up his multi-layered emotional performances in New Year’s Eve and No Strings Attached with the Steve Jobs biopic called JOBS, which starts shooting this May. Jobs will be directed by Joshua Michael Stern and it will follow Steve Jobs’ road to Apple and beyond. Sony is currently working on their own Steve Jobs biopic.

If you ask Siri why the ground above Steve Jobs’ grave is mulching itself today, she will bring up this story before playing “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” on your iTunes. I know Ashton looks like a young Steve Jobs in the face, but so does my weekend weed man and he didn’t get cast in this shit. Was Noah Wylie (aka the only movie Steve Jobs we need in this world) not available or something?!

But this isn’t totally bad news, though. If this mess doesn’t go straight to Flash and actually gets a marketing budget, it will have posters in the subway. Think of all the beautiful things you can write over Ashton’s face with a Sharpie in front of the word JOBS.