From Selling McMuffins To Selling Her McMuffin

March 30, 2012 / Posted by:

Selling Quarter Pounders is the gateway drug to selling poundings for a quarter (or a little more) is what one former ho is claiming. Shelley Lynn has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s in federal court claiming that Ronald McDonald and his company of pussy merchants led her to selling her Filet O’Fish at the Chicken Ranch in Nevada. Shelley claims that if she never worked at McDonald’s in 1982, she never would’ve met her future pimp/husband and she never would’ve taken up to 12 peens a night in a brothel. 12 peens in a night may sound like a dream to some of you sluts out there (it also sounds like the beginning of the recipe for pink slime), but it wasn’t one for Shelley.

The NYDN says that Shelley’s road to peddling poon started when Keith Handley hired her to work behind the counter at a McDonald’s in Arroyo Grande, CA in 1982. Shelley claims in her lawsuit that a little while after she mixed business with pleasure by dating Keith, he convinced one of his managers to fire her for some shit she didn’t do. That left Shelley vulnerable and hard up for money to pay her bills. Shelley says that Keith continued to wrap her around his finger by buying her a house in Las Vegas in 1986.

Keith then pressured Shelley to get a job as a legal hooker at the Chicken Ranch so she’d earn enough money to pay him back for the house. Shelley gave in to Keith and thanks to her 12 dicks a night average she qickly became one of the tops hos at the Chicken Ranch. Shelley eventually married Keith in 1988 but they later split.

Shelley, who also names her ex-husband’s company in the lawsuit, is suing McDonald’s for failing “to conduct a due diligence into the moral character of Handley when it sold franchises to him.” Shelley wants cash for lost wages, special damages, negligence punitive damages and for sex trafficking damages.

This bitch is BOLD as all hell and I’m lovin’ it! Who ever connected the 5 Billion Served sign on her coochie to McDonald’s is a genius. Sure, there’s a few holes in her case, but I’m with her one hundred percent. Just look at Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald has a red fro, shoes from 6th Street, a creepy grin and a yellow-gloved pimp hand. Of course, he’s in the coochie game. Poor Bridie is probably giving beak jobs in the back for a bag of McSeed.

I hope Shelley sues the white off of Ronald’s face. And when she’s done with that, can she please pass me her lawyer’s business card. Because I worked for Disneyland one summer and there must be a way to blame them for me being a non-paid whore.

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