Lindsay Lohan Is Free At Last (Sort Of)

March 29, 2012 / Posted by:

Wearing teal pants that made it look like she’s smuggling Cisco Adler’s family jewels in her crotch, Lindsay Lohan sashayed into court in L.A. today for what could be her last date with Judge Stephanie. After being on probation for a million eternities, LiLo finally did enough community service for the California Justice System to say: “Okay, now it looks like you’re not totally fisting us in the ass without Crisco.

Judge Stephanie gave LiLo a pat on the freckled taint by saying she’s done everything she’s supposed to do. Judge Stephanie then lifted formal probation off of LiLo for her 2007 DUI, but kept her on informal probation for snatching that necklace. Judge Stephanie then dropped some words of advice into LiLo’s (those words hit the court room floor after they fell out of the other ear):

“The only terms left for you on that case are to obey all laws. Not that hard. I know it’s kinda hard when people are following you all over the place but that’s the life you chose. Stop nightclubbing and focus on your work.”

LiLo then thanked Judge Stephanie for being fair, because this has opened so many doors for her. Specifically, the doors to Chateau Marmont’s mini bar and cocaine closet (they have that, right?), because White Oprah and LiLo are victory partying their livers out tonight. And then it’s off to Toronto where LiLo will start shooting bullets into Liz Taylor’s memory by playing her in that Lifetime movie. Nail down your strollers and 8-balls, Toronto, here comes LiLo!

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