Behold, Blue Ivy Carter’s Legs…And Hair!

The suffocation of Blue Ivy continues! To keep the breath and glares of peons from tainting her holy bundle of infinite light, Beyonce strapped a sapphire-encrusted oxygen mask over Blue Ivy’s breathing area and shoved that baby under her sweater thing to carry her out of a doctor’s office in NYC yesterday. You can’t tell from these pictures, but thousands of Beyonce’s followers gathered around and begged the chosen one to rebuke their ailments from their being by placing her tiny foot on their foreheads. And by ailments I mean sore hairlines caused by extreme lace front wearing and the guilt they feel from visiting Basement Baby’s MySpace page. (Yes, I said MySpace page. I mean, MySpace is the basement of social media, so it’s fitting.)

But seriously, I see what Beyonce and Mama Tina are doing here. Beyonce knows how much attention she got from conspiracy theorists thinking that the only thing she was pregnant with was stuffing made by Serta. So Beyonce is milking more attention out of conspiracy theorists by covering Blue Ivy’s holy face so it looks like she’s carrying around a House of Dereon Cabbage Patch Doll.

I’m all for Beyonce’s stuntin’ ways, but can she please stop suffocating the color blue. Bitch acts like she owns that color. I can’t even pull a blue shirt out of my closet without thinking about Blueonsay’s ass. The next time a pair of blue balls dangle in front of me, I don’t want to think about Beyonce. Bitch is going too far with the blue. We should look into filing a class action lawsuit against this blue-hoarding ho. Take back the blue!