I really hate it when a flyer for a no-rules gay bathhouse crashes into a magazine ad for Metamucil’s new shower gel before landing on an invitation for a Florida sorority toga party. This is the teaser poster for TNT’s Dallas 2.0 and yes, I too feel like I just woke up in the shower and realized that the last season of my life was all a dream and the new season of my life is a NIGHTMARE where a half-naked Larry Hagman is looking at you like he’s about to pull out his peenstol and shoot you for a change.
We’ve got Linda Gray looking gorgeous (I can’t trust a bitch who shades Linda Gray), Josh Henderson looking like a Craigslist masseuse you can’t trust, Larry Hagman looking like the steam is tickling the silver hairs on his prune sacks something good and Jordana Brewster looking straight out of Public Access’ version of The Client List. Then there’s Patrick Duffy, Jesse Metcalfe keeping the ad campaign PG-13 by covering up his tits, Brenda Strong and some stranger girl named Julie Golanzo.
What I’ve learned from this is that the Dallas casting directors temporarily camped out on Wisteria Lane’s cross street waiting to pick up Desperate Housewives’ cast-offs. And if this poster is anything to go by, then Dallas 2.0 is going to be a broke, cheesy disaster that’ll leave me wanting a good scrubbing to the retinas. I can’t wait!