Jessica Simpson Is Trying To Outdo Beyonce
The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce's fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed!
Jessica's labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this:
“She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She’s terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”
Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she's hoping that she makes back her money and then some.
If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn't order it. (I've just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that's only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she's going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie.
Jessica's pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she's still country. The most extravagant thing she'll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald's who will make everyone McPlacentas!
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She's not worried about anything except hiding the fact that she's getting the full 9 yards done to her body after that baby is out. She's going to get tucked and sucked and everything else...you watch.
<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<^>^<
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!
Submitted by Chris Knight on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:58pm.
My guess is brain damage due to leaking implants.
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
I was wondering what the hell she saw in him but WHOA look at the size of those hands. Carry on girl.
Submitted by El Bastardo on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:56pm.
Giving birth is easy. The hard part is all the pumping the man has to do
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LMFAO!!!
*jumps in foxhole and peeks out*
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Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:56pm.
I was going through some papers over the weekend and I found a magazine from 2005 and Jessica had a perfect body
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Indeed PHM she had a smokin hot body for a while there.
I never did like her square superman chin though.
Wasn't there a blind item recently that said she is scheduled for a c-section 2 or 3 weeks before her due date? Imagine that. She looks about to be at least in her 14th month here.
Submitted by El Bastardo on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:56pm.
"Giving birth is easy. The hard part is all the pumping the man has to do during conceiving. 9 months later (after laying about eating and farting) all the woman has to do is push a bit (Like crapping a big turd) and out pops a sprog. BIG DEAL!"
This reminds me, for some bizarre reason, of an article I read a few years back, written by a retired GP.
He said that he had treated "many" men for cuts and lacerations on their manhoods because they had had sex with women who had just given birth and still had stitches.
Truly, men have it soooo hard, amirite?
i've seen a live birth. more trauma than a massacre. she's got nothing to be smiling about.
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"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
~Edmund Burke
*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*
Is that a mother?
http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/03/28/pamela-anderson-okay-wit...
I was going through some papers over the weekend and I found a magazine from 2005 and Jessica had a perfect body in that magazine, I know it only lasted her a hot minute, but damn..she looked good.
As far as her being the spokeswhore for some weight loss program, I'm sure that's the plan, but I don't know if she will follow through with it. She has a ton of money and doesn't seem to mind being fat soo she doesn't seem to have much incentive to stick with a plan.
Giving birth is easy. The hard part is all the pumping the man has to do during conceiving. 9 months later (after laying about eating and farting) all the woman has to do is push a bit (Like crapping a big turd) and out pops a sprog. BIG DEAL!
"...is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards..."
Credit where credit's due, at least she's not barging into a ward full of babies and their parents, and then using her bodyguards to keep the parents away from their babies.
Remember the Beyonce-Jay Z debacle?
If those two wanted the entire floor, then they should have paid for it out of their own pockets, like JSimp did.
The beard contract is over:
http://omg.yahoo.com/news/bradley-cooper-zoe-saldana-split-174628626.htm...
Migraine - LMAO! When you "drop" it's not like your belly moves into the pelvic area, you just get more space between the top of the belly and the bewbs.
It kills me this talentless moron is so rich she can drop $1.3M on delivering a baby she's having by buying another woman's husband (because Tony Romo dumped her fat ass).
Kidnapping? Give us a break! Is she trying to start a bidding war between the magazines for the first picture of the baby?
Submitted by mike on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:38pm.
Since she seems to be reveling in the weight gain, I hope she's one of the unfortunate few who are never able get back to their pre-pregnancy weight. Failing that, I hope she keeps the cankles.
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I am one of those unfortunate ones. A cousin and I (we absolutely abhor one another) were at a family gathering and I passed on some dessert stupidly saying "No thanks. On a diet." to which she said "For what. You haven't lost a pound since birthing Baby Huey over 10 years ago. Go ahead. Eat the CAKE."
yowzers. When the hell is she finally gonna push out Baby Beluga? Got to hand it to her though she's got a great attitude although, she will be singing a different tune when her license to eat is revoked..
Well, I guess Jessica's 'world' exists between the pages of the STAR and National Enquirer. Beyonce didnt rent out a floor or even half a floor or have bodyguards lining the hallways. That was all false reporting on the paps part to sell stories. Like TELEPHONE TAG played by schoolchildren (paps) the story flew out of someone's ass and grew like bamboo on crack. I know. I work there. SO if Jess thinks she is so important (she's not), then she should by all means go 'Hillbilly With Money' and create the expensive false atmosphere she and trailer bob deserve.
M.E.
OK, I believe you. I thought that maybe if she was that close, she would look like the belly was sitting on top of her thighs. You know I don't know nuthin' bout' birthin' no babies.
Hope she is having a c-section. That would be one painful delivery going through the vag.
M.E. it's a girl and she's naming it Maxwell
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
As me and others have said, the difference between her and BEYONCE is that the 1st is preggers for real.
Migraine - he belly has dropped. Just a couple weeks ago her bump started at her tits.
I think she is due any damn day.
Well let's hope she uses that money to buy her man some nice clothes because he always looks a damn slob, but she's being delusional if she thinks she can get 4 million. No one cares about her let alone her Neanderbaby.
Since she seems to be reveling in the weight gain, I hope she's one of the unfortunate few who are never able get back to their pre-pregnancy weight. Failing that, I hope she keeps the cankles.
Unfortunately, she's gained weight all over, not just in her belly area. I'm sure the tabloids are correct when they say she'll be some weight loss company's spokesperson shortly after the baby is born, so what does she care? She'll get paid to take off all this weight.
www.petfinder.com - enter your zip code to find adoptable pets in your area.
www.animalrescuesite.com - click everyday to help feed animals in shelters.
$4 million or $400,000? I'd say that $40,000 would be too generous.
If bitch really wants some of that "kidnapping attention", she should try a Mexican border town. The scenic areas where the cartels decapitate anyone?
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"....the Ghost of Priscilla Presley's Past" ~ MK
She looks like she's going to give birth to a Great Dane.
Boy, I bet those tits are just UNREAL
*spits out breastmilk* blek
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"You reap what you fuck." ~ RichBitch 03/13/2012
How much further does this poor dear have to go before delivery? Her belly does not look that low yet to me.
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:29pm.
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:21pm.
LOL at you two foolios
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"You reap what you fuck." ~ RichBitch 03/13/2012
I'm uncomfortable just LOOKING at how big she is.
DO NOT MISS IT!
this skank and her father lie even more than PMK ... I don't believe a word of their daily press releases.
and how old do you hicks have to be before you leave the backwards baseball caps and flip flops at home?!? grow up
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is every argument against nepotism rolled into one.
Weight Watchers now has their official "before" picture.
So, who is this sperm burper she married? Is it the Dallas Cowboy?
I still like her goofy ass.
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I've got ten bucks and me and dirty eddie are staying out all weekend! - Rob Pue (thank you BBitch and Sweetas)
The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK
Judging by her size just make sure the floor isn't accessible by forklift or crane because the little bugger is going to come out weighing more than she does now.
She looks like a scale model of the Hindenburg (I earned the right to say this, because I looked like a frikkin' blimp myself).
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
I hope her first hospital visitor is her colorist.
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:21pm.
Kidnapping? Pfffffffft. Please.
At least she's wearing FLIP FLOPS!
*walks over to jack in thick flips flops*
FLIP FLAP FLAP FLIP FLAP!
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Except Jessica has so much swelling in her feet and ankles that the flip flap flip flap also comes with a squishy sound. Hear that Jack?
Wait, she's naming her kid Maxi? WTF? I missed that somewhere.
flip flops in the rain, always with the smart ideas, Jess
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
Ah so, blond girr big like elk.
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"You reap what you fuck." ~ RichBitch 03/13/2012
I thought she was holding hands with Gerry Butler!!!
Leave her the Fuck alone people!!! The hospital said she has no choice. Her fat Ass takes up an entire floor the security is for the safety of other patients. They'll be strong winds (farts) and major floods. Let's just hope there's no mud slides when she's pushing.
she has cankles!!!!! and for anyone who says not to hate on preggos, she decided that her image would be based on being sexy and hot...she's neither and i'm flabbergasted this trick has a billion dollar fashion empire. WHO is buying her shit?
♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫
Miss your fucked up ways on my fucked up days.
I've resisted posting here for a few years now, but you are a poet. I hope you know it?
Gawd help me I looked. How much you think donor boy is packing in his nasties?
*chanting as always*
Shut the fuck up kid, you're in my closet now.
MK, hahahahaha, that photo does look like Jessica's water broke and splattered and flooded everything!
She's huge!
Kidnapping? Pfffffffft. Please.
At least she's wearing FLIP FLOPS!
*walks over to jack in thick flips flops*
FLIP FLAP FLAP FLIP FLAP!