Lindsay Lohan Is Not The New Carrie

March 27, 2012 / Posted by:

Stephen King said last year that he thinks Lindsay Lohan is perfect for the title role in the movie version of one of his books and he wasn’t talking about Cujo or Dolores Claiborne. Stephen was talking about the ten hundredth remake of Carrie. I’m assuming that Stephen King only said that shit because White Oprah threatened to douse him in a bucket of pig’s blood (aka squat and queef over him) if he didn’t. Thankfully, White Oprah didn’t get to the movie’s director Kimberly Pierce, because Kimberly has cast 15-year-old Chloe Moretz as Carrie instead of 55-year-old-in-the-face Lindsay Lohan.

Deadline says that MGM put out an offer to Chloe after Kimberly met with the likes of Dakota Fanning for the role. Kimberly met with Chloe last weekend and a quick minute later, a contract was dropped into her lap and she accepted that shit. Kimberly will now start searching for someone to play the Piper Laurie role. Rumor is that both Jodie Foster and Julianne Moore are being considered for Carrie’s fun-hating crazy mom.

I’ve always had a special place in my dead heart for crazy ass Carrie. Brats made fun of Carrie for getting her period and brats made fun of me by saying it only a matter of time before I got my period. Brats threw maxi-pads at Carrie and brats threw tampons at me in the gym. (Yes, my sister regularly got free tampons, but the plastic on those things hurt!) Carrie burned those brats to the ground on prom night and I secretly wished those brats would get burned to the ground on prom night. I know Carrie and this Chloe girl is no Carrie. Homegirl is not busted enough to play Carrie. I wonder what kind of Hollywood wizardry they’re going to do to her to “fugly” her up. Give her a pair of glasses, put her hair in a bun and then use my junior high school yearbook picture as inspiration for the rest of her look?! Actually, that will probably work.

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