After spending your late night drunkenly twisting in front of a webcam while trying to recreate that Zoo Bee Zoo Bebe Zahara Benet shit from Mad Men, your legs are probably as sore as a twisted nipple. If you’re the Empress of Scientology, Suri Cruise, all you had to do was use your telekinetic powers to ring the Baccarat crystal bell next to your princess bed and Stepford Katie would immediately gallop to whisk you off to wherever you want to go.
Suri has a mother whose soul has been replaced with Talking Tina parts and a father who makes bat shit look sane, but besides that she really does have it all. Suri has her own golden geese farm, a closet full of custom-made diamond dust flats and she never EVER has to touch the sidewalk for the rest of her life. You’d think that Katie would have Madge-like biceps by now, because when she’s not carrying Suri around, she carries Tommy Girl around whenever he can’t walk due to a sprained prostate.
Here’s more of human chariot Stepford Katie carrying 5-year-old Suri to their apartment in NYC last night. This is like Footprints in the Sand as rewritten by Veruca Salt.