The Cyrus family carport might soon be filled with a lavish spread fit for a hillbilly teen bride including a moonshine fountain, a three-tier dick cake, plastic red Solo champagne flutes, a Taco Wedding Party Pack, Dr. Pepper-glazed roasted possum, squirrel kabobs and pigs in a blanket (actual pigs in an actual blanket). Because the other day, Miley Cyrus started up the hitchin’ rumors by Tweeting a picture of her wearing some Cracker Jack ass ring while showing off her jaundiced-looking yeast infection nails. Then last night in Phoenix, Miley wore the same ring on that finger while out with her piece Liam Hemsworth at Muhammad Ali’s Celebrity Fight Night XVVIII in Phoenix.
That isn’t an engagement ring, that shit is a LOOK AT ME, Y’ALL ring. First of all, Liam doesn’t have bites and scratches on his face that tell us he just topless wrestled the Cyrus family’s prized pig in the abandoned field behind a Piggly Wiggly to win Miley’s hand in marriage. Second of all, Miley cares about Cyrus family traditions and if she was getting married she’d wear a ring that was passed down from generation to generation. And that ring doesn’t look like the band part of a Ring Pop with a Vaseline-covered pond rock on top of it, so it’s obviously not a Cyrus family heirloom. Nope not, engaged. Billy Ray still has a chance!
And yes, I’m mad that Miley looks like Peaches & Cream Barbie’s backwoods cousin, Pork Rinds & Cool Whip Barbie.