Open Post: Hosted By The Only Beyonce Any Of Us Should Care About

March 23, 2012 / Posted by:

In honor of National Puppy Day (I know, EVERY DAY should be National Puppy Day), I give you this story that might microwave your cold slug heart until it actually feels warm emotions. Beyonce the puppy started farting at the Grim Reaper even before she came into this world two weeks ago. Beyonce’s first dance with death came when her mom, a stray, was almost euthanized. The second dance with death came when they almost aborted her and her brothers and sisters. (Look into the future: Tim Tebow and Beyonce co-starring in a pro-life PSA.) The third dance with death happened after Beyonce was born weighing in at only four ounces. The animal rescue center didn’t call her Beyonce because she weighs as much as the feather light pillow the other Beyonce strapped to her belly during pregnancy. They named her Beyonce because she’s a survivor.

They should’ve named her Jeff Probst instead, because he’s the host of Survivor and just like this puppy, you really want to cuddle with him, take him for a walk and pick up his poop with a plastic bag glove. Naming her Beyonce was kind of a mistake. Not only will Beyonce’s lawyers try to sue the dingles off of her for copyright infringement, but Mama Tina’s lace front is looking at puppy Beyonce like she’s its next meal. But since Beyonce has cheated death several times, Mama Tina’s lace front is no match for her.

And to keep the National Puppy Day celebrations going, here’s a few pictures I threw together in ten seconds of celebwhores with their dog and puppy friends. If you don’t know who some of these celebrities are, who cares! It’s about the PUPPIES, not them. PUPPIES: Now and Forever.

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