One of Jezebel’s readers sent them this picture from a Safeway in Tucson of a janky “THINK OF THE CHILDREN” shield covering Jessica Simpson’s Photoshopped from head-to-belly naked body on the cover of Elle. That cardboard sign has been there for a full week, which tells you that people who shop at the Safeway in Tucson, Arizona are really good at following rules, because if that shit was at my neighborhood grocery story someone would’ve tagged over it with “Please Do Fap To This” by now. When Heidi Montag (yes, she still exists) barfs out her second album, she should release it exclusively to the Safeway in Tuscon and put a “PLEASE BUY THIS” cardboard sign over all ten copies. It will sell out!
No word on why Safeway chose to censor Jessica’s nekkid ass body, but here are four theories:
1. Because she’s naked.
2. Because she’s naked AND knocked up.
3. Because due to Elle Photoshopping Jessica to infinity and beyond, they don’t want their shoppers to get a distorted body image complex.
4. Because Papa Joe is in town and the last time he saw that cover in public….he…well…you know…
Whatever the reason is, it’s a dumb fucking reason. That cardboard sign shouldn’t go over Jessica’s body. It should go over her mouth, so the bitch can stop talking about how her coochie is going to shoot out an amniotic fluid tidal wave during labor.