I refuse to believe that an actual human baby passed through the poon of Lizzie McGuire. I am choosing to believe that she picked up a baby from the cabbage patch this past weekend and I’m sure if you looked at his birth certificate, that shit would have Xavier Roberts’ signature all over it. Anyway, as Jessica Simpson’s 4-year-old unborn baby telecommutes to preschool from the womb, Hilary Duff and her husband Mike Comrie are holding their brand new baby friend. Hilary declared herself a new mom on Twitter today:
Welcome to the World Luca Cruz Comrie! Tuesday evening, we became proud parents of a healthy 7 pound 6 ounce beautiful boy.
Lizzie McGuire’s ass should’ve checked CorbinFisher before she went with the name Luca Cruz, because I’m pretty sure there’s a porn star on there with the same name. I’m going to pull out my Household Bank MasterCard (don’t be jealous) to buy a membership to check on this for Lizzie. (You hear that, IRS? That CorbinFisher membership is for official research. Research! So don’t come at me when you see it on my tax return! The same goes for my Sean Cody membership, Brazzers, Big Sausage Pizza, etc…)
But seriously, if Baby Luca is an exact hybrid of Hilary and Mike, we’re not going to know where his teefs end and his forehead begins. On that note, let’s end with a song: