UPDATE: Ray J tells TMZ that he’s not looking to sell a treasure trove of sex tapes he made with Whitney, because those sex tapes don’t exist. And now, we can all truly exhale.
Seeing Ray J’s boomerang-shaped dick go in and out of Kim Kardashian as she lazily moaned like a zombie seal falling in and out of a coma has filled me with enough images of his crooked ass peen to last me the rest of my lifetime. Seriously, I’m good. But Radar says that the world’s eyes might get poked by Ray J’s black snake moan again if he gets his way and somehow posthumously releases a collection of fuck tapes he made with Whitney Houston. Whitney was a not-so-closet freak and so it’s not actually surprising to hear that she let the camera roll as she left her doody bubble on Ray J’s dick tip. The source tells Radar that Whitney’s family has begged Ray J to keep that shit to himself, but because he’s a piece of shit leech who is still sucking the life out of Nippy even though she’s in the grave, he’s itching to sell. The source put it like this:
“[The Houston family has] been in contact with Ray and told him they do not want any photos or videos painting her in a bad light to come out. [They] explained to Ray that now is the time to honor Whitney, not drag her legacy down.
[Ray J’s] been stalling to sell, or hand them over, them to Whitney’s family, because he knows he’s sitting on a gold mine.”
This is gross, disgusting, trashy, horrible, blasphemous, deplorable, indecent and I think the best way for all of us to handle this news is by coming up with titles for the sex tape! Let’s play. I’ll go first:
The Bootyguard (obviously)
Waiting to Sexhale
It’s Not Right, But I’ll Still Fuck It
Didn’t We Almost Deep Throat It All?
Kizz (Lick and Stick It In) My Azz!
You Give Good Head
Hard-On Break Hotel
I Will Always Love You Long Time
Greatest Poon of All
I Have Nothing, Nothing, Nothing, If I Don’t Have Peen
Where Do Broken Condoms Go
Saving All My Tongue For You
I Wanna Fuck With Somebody
Why Does It Hurt So Bad
There, that should be enough to get me to the middle of the waiting line for the Chinatown bus to the Hell. Your turn!