Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

March 21, 2012 / Posted by:

This fashion designer is known to prefer men young enough to be his sons—or grandsons. But what most people don’t know is that his sexual appetite has grown with age. A spy tells us the “sexpig” designer orders male hookers in “industrial quantities” for physically punishing acts. His obsession: fisting. (Gawker)

My first thought was Kunty Karl, because I’m pretty sure Chanel makes black rubber fisting gloves. But Kunty Karl isn’t the type. He’d rather sniff the freshly clean locks of a miller’s virgin son before nibbling on his trick’s fear. Trick poop stuck under his claws is not for him. My second thought was Calvin Klein, because he was old enough to be his last trick’s grand memaw and some of his perfume smells like pressed shit, Crisco and yellow dish washing gloves. So I’ll guess Calvin Klein?

But for his ass’ sake (literally), I hope he’s the one giving the full fist prostate exam, because if it’s the other way around…lord. That would be like the meat counter at a Chinese supermarket. When you reach a certain age and the fist goes in, you probably have no idea what’s going to come out. Your bowels falling out of your ass will totally kill the mood (most of the time). Trust me.

Hollywood could be gearing up for the next big divorce. This gay couple has been together a long time and they’ve already started a family. They seem like the picture of happiness. Here’s the surprising part – the LESS famous half of the pair is cheating with a twentysomething midwestern stud! He flies the hot young guy around and puts him up in hotels and sneaks out to see him when he’s not parading around with his “happy gay family.” During Oscar week he spent every spare minute with his muscular paramour. (Janet Charlton via Blind Gossip)

Elton John and David Furnish? Nothing says “no prenup, no problems” like stepping out on your rich ass husband with a young piece.

Male comedians are weird. They jerk off all the time, and then go on stage and talk about jerking off all the time, for money and laughs. But our nation’s most hilarious stand-up comic and critically cherished sitcom auteur adds a thrilling twist to his onanistic escapades: He traps unsuspecting women in his hotel room and makes them stick around until he’s done.
We’ve heard from several sources that this shameless funnyman whips it out at the most inopportune moments, often at times when his female companions have expressed no interest in watching him go at it. A representative example: At the Aspen Comedy Festival a few years ago, he invited a female comedy duo back to his hotel room. The two ladies gladly joined him, and offered him some weed. He turned it down, but asked if it would be OK if he took his dick out.

Thinking he was joking (that’s exactly the kind of thing this guy would say), the women gave a facetious thumbs up. He wasn’t joking. When he actually started jerking off in front of them, the ladies decided that wasn’t their bag and made for the exit. But the comedian stood in front of the door, blocking their way with his body, until he was done.

One of the ladies was so shaken by the episode that she complained to the festival’s organizers about the comedian’s behavior. She promptly received a call from his extremely powerful manager explaining that, if she valued her career, she would drop it. She valued her career.

When we contacted the victim to check out the story, she wrote back: “first of all, your facts are wrong. and secondly, i don’t want to be a part of this story. i’m sure you understand.” When we asked her which facts were wrong and if the incident ever happened at all, she wrote: “please don’t contact me about this matter anymore. Breast of luck to you.”

When we reached out to the extremely powerful manager, he put the comedian’s publicist in touch with us. After a lengthy and detailed phone conversation, the publicist agreed to ask the comedian about the incident. Weeks went by and we heard nothing. When we followed up with the publicist, he replied: “Sorry for delay but I never heard back from [him].” (Gawker)

“Most hilarious stand-up comic?” There’s only two words that cum on my mind: CARROT TOP!

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