The Time LiLo Got It On With A Porn Star While Her Dad Slept Upstairs

If you put on Hazmat-made goggles and dove into my browser history, you’d find a gutter full of foolery including searches for She-Ra helicopter dildos, a few hits to GOOP (know your enemies) and at least ten millions hits to the porn site Reality Kings. Fuck star Voodoo (born name: Alex Torres), who once got in trouble for skydive fucking, is all over that site, so let’s just say that if you lined up a dozen baseball bats, I could tell you which one is his dick. Seriously, you could hit a baseball with it and then use it as a pole vault to launch yourself to second base.

Because Voodoo is a porn star with a peen so large that it can tickle your tonsils and prostate at the same time, it’s not surprising that hos will pay top dollar to take a ride on his King Kong thumb dick. But Voodoo entered BITCH, PLEASE territory the other day when he called into The Jim Richards Show on Toronto’s Newstalk 1010 (via Radar) and insinuated that Lindsay Lohan paid for his services:

JR: Michael Lohan’s coming on the show. What should I ask him?

Voodoo: Um.. Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.

JR: Are you joking?

Voodoo: I’m not joking.

JR: You have had relations with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: Um…many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come satisfy them.

JR: Are you joking?!

Voodoo: I’m not joking!

JR: So you’ve been with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: I’m saying that.

First of all, Michael Lohan wasn’t sleeping. Somebody needed to operate the zoom lens on the camera poking out of a hole in the ceiling. Second of all, Voodoo owes White Oprah a new bottle of Grey Goose, because she just spit up the one she had for breakfast from laughing so hard at this shit. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t pay for crap, especially dick! The words “Lindsay Lohan” and “paid” go together like the words “Voodoo’s dick” and “Situation-sized condom” do. Voodoo is forgetting who’s the john and who’s the whore. LiLo doesn’t open up her fiery crotchcano unless you fill your hand with a dime bag, a stack of ones, tickets to a fashion show, a spread in Playboy, a cigarette butt, a half empty can of Red Bull, a 10% off coupon for sea jasper, a tube of generic Juvederm or whatever’s in the change slot of a pay phone. LiLo might be a cheap whore, but she still gets paid!

Voodoo needs to bite his tongue and if he’s unable to do that, his snake monster dick can do it for him, because it can reach.