Jessica Simpson's Chocha Will Bring The Great Flood Of 2012
The entire county of Los Angeles has been put on flood alert and every citizen has been given a pair of water wings and told to watch out for floating bits of undigested Slutty Brownies. This happened after Jessica Simpson went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and told him that the reason why she looks like a SpongeBob hot air balloon in a yallaw wig is because she's got three lakes full of baby water up in there.
"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha.... Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”
Does that mean when Jessica farts, her three ton belly makes the same gurgling sound a Sparkletts water cooler makes when you flip it over?
I can deal with Jessica naming her baby Maxi Pad and I'm even okay with her going on about how she's giving her 10 pounds baby the dizzies with her non-stop pregnant fucking, but now she's gone too far. I mean, I've always figured that Papa Joe was seriously into squirter porn and now Jessica is telling me she's about to deliver the geyser squirt of all geyser squirts? Fuck you, Jessica, for giving me the image of Papa Joe waddling around in flippers, a scuba mask and a giant smile. SUCIO!
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ugh. did NOT need to know.
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
Not like it was a difficult thing to accomplish, but Jessica is making me never, ever, want to be pregnant.
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
You can clearly see where her real hair ends and where the bought hair begins. Fake.
I love how she laughs about having too much amniotic fluid. Bitch, if that were the case you'd be in hospital being monitored RIGHT NOW, because polyhydramnios means there's something seriously wrong with the baby.
More than being Jessica Simpson's kid, that is.
her hair looks ridiculous
Mothers only throw their own daughters baby showers in trailer parks - in the civilized world, that's not acceptable
Silver lining: MSNBC reports:
"ATLANTA — U.S. women are dying from childbirth at the highest rate in decades, new government figures show. Though the risk of death is very small, experts believe increasing maternal obesity and a jump in Caesarean sections are partly to blame."
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is every argument against nepotism rolled into one.
can't this skank stop the self promotion? it's not as if she's the first unmarried skeeze to give birth to a bastard. I'm sure this dimwit's water will break while she's lunching on the terrace at The Ivy just to get maximum attention.
uneducated, unrefined, untalented and skanky is no way to go through life
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is every argument against nepotism rolled into one.
Ah Em SPEECHLESS *blink blink* hardly heard a word she was saying! o_O
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"... looking in her face is heaven for all the youth and hope and good will." Thamar 03/01/2012 ☺♪☼♫ ░░░░
Is it true that one can get that fat just on that fluid stuff? Whatever?
Apparently Jess has already signed on as Weight Watchers' latest project so I'm guessing she'll take the post-baby weight off ok--and she is, undeniably, a very pretty woman.
That said, she is the fucking queen of TMI--there's just no class there. Leave a little mystery and STFU--no one cares about your water retention or your love of preggy sex or any of that shit.
Which is worse: hearing pregnant women go on and on about their symptoms or hearing new moms talk about every secretion that comes out of their babies?
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Silly rabbit.
TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI-TMI!!!!!
For the love of all that is sweet, warm and furry, please stop sharing!
oh.shut.up.already.
I don't any interest in watching these videos, but what is this bitch promoting? Being gigantic and pregnant? And how the hell is she carrying that body on heels?
I wish she and her tacky ass shoe line would fade into obscurity.
@Tralala: In a recent blind (not about Jessica) Ted says, "there's to be said for gals - gay and straight - who have very religious upbringings. When it comes to sex, they tend to lean heavily in one direction or the other. Usually nothing boring or vanilla between the sheets . . .".
Anyway, poor Jessica she looks so uncomfortable.
So is this like a pre-excuse? So when the baby is born and it only weighs 5 lbs., she can say that she carried a LOT of amniotic fluid... instead of just saying she gained a shit-ton of weight?
A. She has no class.
B. Is she implying she has polyhydramnios? If so, her kid may have a birth defect.
Another sign that the world will be ending. The Mayan Dresden Codex (last page) shows the world being consumed by water. What they didn't realize was that it was actually Jessica's amniotic fluid that would consume us all.
She's fine; she just has no tact or filter.
She's vulgar. I hate this 'type' that overshares in a desperate bid to seem down to earth. It's pandemic.
PLEEEEAAASE let her publish artsy photos of the placenta!!!! That's my favorite part of preggo TMI!
Should your ass be wider than your baby belly? Her badunkkadunk is huge. So being pregnant is kinda like being cross faded You forget shit, puke and eat.
Well I'm not going to be satisfied until she sprays that shit on stage and narrates us through the birth. Her pregnancy is that important to me.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
I nominate Morgan Freeman for the narration
"The ocean is your emotion"-Gary Busey
I hope she never loses those "mom arms".
I love clever, outspoken people. Jessica is neither - she's just a repulsive cow who says anything to get her name in print. She makes cute shoes, though.
she's cool in my book.
'We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.'
That poor kid is going to grow up and be sooo fucking embarrassed by this, imagine the playground fights,
Hey asshole, your mom was on T.V. talking about her pussy!! hahaha!
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I have never loved life so much.
She's not a Newlywed anymore.
Why won't this brain dead frogface STFU already???
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
From one of Himmmmm's infamous comments on CDAN:
"Jessica Simpson (Yes, Miss Teen Clean bubblegum Jesus girl. Whose affection for bodily fluids, backdoor shenanigans, sexual asphyxia, auto-asphyxia, and taking a walk on the wild side are known by the entire industry. So would Miss Pearl Pure-panties ever don a wig and literally whore herself out to a stranger with a gay BFF joining in/watching?)"
So the amniotic would be yet another bodily fluid for Jessica to delight in.
shouldn't the chili cook off queen be at home in bed with her feet up, waiting for that baby to pop? i swear i've way more of jessica now that she's beyond pregnant that i care to see....
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
Submitted by QueenieBK on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:33pm.
Her need for attention is so pathetic. You'd think she's the only woman to ever have a baby.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Everybody knows that was Beyonce.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
I am no JS defender, but I will say that this interview proves to me her former public persona was a ratings ruse. She sounds intelligent and cogent here - the cadence and delivery of her voice in this interview is completely different from her bubble headed delivery in other TV interviews, etc. Same for Paris Hilton, who actually has a rather frightening man voice when she's not playing the airhead baby doll ingenue trust fund Barbie. Whatever. JS is hair flipping all the way to the bank.
Submitted by BuBBLeGuMpiiNk on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:07pm.
God she reminds me of this girl I know who is constantly posting "pregnancy updates" on her Fb. its like I know you're happy to be expecting but damn! Its getting a little old hearing about your frequent doctor visits and seeing pics of your big ass belly. I may sound mean but idgaf. People have children all the time...you're not special.
My thoughts exactly...some former classmates are starting to have babies and I see the weekly pregnancy bump pics and then one girl was Facebook/Tweeting while she was at the hospital in labor waiting to push. I mean really?!
Well aren't you just carrying around a big bag of nothing!
Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:40pm.
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:31pm.
You just wanted to brag! Meanie!
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Look at the pcture of the cake on my FB.
*ne ne ne ne nehhhhhh*
Brings a whole new meaning to "baby shower".
"Don't squirt amniotic fluid all over me and tell me it's raining!"
APRIL FOOLS!
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:31pm.
You just wanted to brag! Meanie!
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#KONY2012 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc
Please watch, learn and share. 2012 is the year.
I am shocked SHOCKED that she used the word foreshadowing.
She is vile. I feel so sorry that the kid is going to have a dumb ass mom. Jessica Simpson is the fucking worst. If she was on Twatter she's probably put up pictures of her chocha after birth as well. Unless she has a c-section. In that case......*VOMITS*
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Trailer Trash.
:S *throws cup'noodles away* there goes my lunch
Coma Caca!
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Is this bitch for real? Is nothing sacred any more? Did the general public really need this particular tidbit of information?
Her need for attention is so pathetic. You'd think she's the only woman to ever have a baby.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Here, I'll be like Jessica and talk about the crap I just put in my mouth.
Coworkers and me went to chicken and waffles. I had a fried chicken breast and about 1/2 a waffle, sweet tea and 1/4 of a slice of red velvet cake. *burp*
Someone tape her mouth shut already!
It's 3:30 already! Where's OP?
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
http://cityrag.com/2012/03/toni-braxton-rides-again/
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 4:03pm.
Next she'll be talking about what positions they used and what flavor lube it was.
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That would be for her first anal experience story, THEN she'd go on and explain how she got pregnant.
@ LA - they must have excellent financial advisors. There's just no other explanation.
God she reminds me of this girl I know who is constantly posting "pregnancy updates" on her Fb. its like I know you're happy to be expecting but damn! Its getting a little old hearing about your frequent doctor visits and seeing pics of your big ass belly. I may sound mean but idgaf. People have children all the time...you're not special.
"The ocean is your emotion"-Gary Busey
Like her dress tho.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 03/20/2012 - 3:57pm.
I will admit I like the squirters but FUCK
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There are squirters and then there are GUSHERS Jacko, I think you'd need a wet suit with this one....complete with snorkel and mask!