I find that when the police search my apartment for 8 balls and blocks of sea jasper powder, the last place they check is my Jesus statue, because what kind of dark-sided ungodly motherfucker wants to take a hammer to Jesus? So here’s Lindsay Lohan licking on her fentanyl nail polish and flashing her crackie camel toe while shopping for Jesus statues in L.A. yesterday afternoon. You believers out there might be wondering why Jesus didn’t pull some divine intervention shit by knocking over that statue on Blohan so she can finally have a seat. Well, Jesus didn’t have to do that, because LiLo is finally having a seat on her own.
TMZ says that right after a hookah club manager accused LiLo of Lizzie Grubman-ing him, her “friends” told her to put her messy ass on lockdown until her probation is up in two weeks. LiLo took the advice of her friends and has vowed to only leave her house for community service at the morgue and to shop for Jesus statues. Babies in strollers and the knees of hookah club managers might think that it’s safe to go out in the wild again, but they should never underestimate LiLo’s fucking up powers. The bitch can fuck up without even trying.
In a couple of days, LiLo will bow her nostrils on her cokey Jesus statue and cleanse her insides by guzzling on the blood of Christ (aka Red Bull) before throwing that can out the window. That can will land on the windshield of a moving car, causing the driver to lose control. The car will clip the back wheel of a stroller sending that baby flying into the air and right into the knee of a hookah club manager. LiLo can cause all of that without leaving her crackie den. Bitch is that good.