JLo Doesn’t Know How To Pick A Man

March 16, 2012 / Posted by:

In the current issue of Vogue, JLo’s manager Benny Medina basically says in so many words that she’s as good at picking a man as she is at singing live without making people diarrhea from their ears. Benny says that JLo basically suffers from JenniferLoveHewitt-itis, because the bitch always needs a man and if you’re desperate, needy and obsessively slobbering on her roasted pork ass cheeks, she’ll put you on payroll as her full-time piece. Benny gave this sermon of truthiness to Vogue (via People) when talking about JLo’s relationship :

“The thing that I always sort of wished is that she would give herself time to just naturally meet someone, instead of having obsessive guys pursue her. The ease which that obsession becomes a relationship I think sometimes works against her ability to have a real meaningful relationship.”

Benny then talked about JLo’s relationship with that Montessori Nursery School Dance Troupe member who looks like one of Scrooge McDuck’s nephews:

“We talked about it and she was like, ‘It’s not even the age, Benny. It’s actually that I just came out of a relationship where I felt like I was kind of not getting what I needed. And I’m open! [I’m looking for] somebody who steps in right now and is actually touching me in a [meaningful] way.”

Touch her in a meaningful way? Sick. I really don’t need to know that JLo is looking for a man who will make her asshole hairs stand up by stroking her overinflated ego spot while telling her that she’s the most beautiful, talented and smartest woman in the world.

In the Game of Life (the board game, not the other one), I pulled the doctor card once so I know what I’m talking about. JLo is only with Casper, because she can easily control his ass and when he annoys her by drooling too much, she can tell the nanny to take him to his nursery. But that kind of relationship isn’t going to fulfill JLo. What JLo loves most in this world is JLo. So that’s why the perfect man for her is her male stunt double. JLo’s male stunt double has the best of both worlds: he almost looks like her in the face (he’s prettier) and he has a dick. JLo would get to suck her own dick! It’s a match made in JLo’s ego.

Here’s JLo wearing a whole lot of sequined NO while leaving a restaurant in L.A. with Casper last night.

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