Lindsay Lohan Is Linnocent

March 15, 2012 / Posted by:

Since the Billy Joel of ginger-haired crackies, Lindsay Lohan, can’t stay away from her true soulmate the California Justice System for long, she blew a freckled-embedded air kiss at the Probation Department the other night by (“ALLEGEDEDLY!” – White Oprah) grazing the knee of some dude with her Porsche outside a club in Hollywood. You know, I was thinking about this for a while yesterday and so I fisted myself on the side of my head for thinking about this for a while. But that punch knocked a thought into the tattered, burnt, whiskey-soaked loofah sponge in my head. LiLo is just a few days away from being free of probation and she somehow gets caught up in more fuckery. It’s like she’s got that Munchausen syndrome shit, but instead of feeding her baby laundry detergent so she can take it to the emergency room, she fucks up so she can go back to court. Bitch has Crackhausen syndrome by proxy!

Of course, LiLo denied on Twitter yesterday that any of this happened. LiLo’s Porsche never touched a bitch and she was only at that club because her bible study class gets together in its basement every Wednesday morning:

“Scrape? This is all a complete lie. I’ve been at community service. Last night, I attempted to wish a friend happy birthday, which I didn’t even get to do because I was freaked out by all of the paparazzi.”

These false accusations are absurd.”

Before you say that it’s always Opposite Day in LiLo’s head and you wouldn’t trust a thing she said even if her tongue was notarized, she has an eyewitness! In the video above, a Detroit Rock City extra who can’t let go 16-year-old girl tells TMZ that she was there and LiLo’s car never scraped anybody’s knee. Young Sarah says that the hookah lounge manager was on a staircase the entire time and didn’t come close to LiLo’s car. Sarah claims that she heard the manager come up with the idea for scamming LiLo and said she was going to pay. Either the most popular flavor at that dude’s hookah lounge is “delusion” or he’s a sea jasper aficionado, because that bitch ain’t got no money.

I have my doubts that the person talking in that clip is actually a 16-year-old girl from Los Angeles named Sarah. 16-year-old girls aren’t hanging out in club parking lots at midnight. They’re talking shit on the Internet while snorting vodka through a neti pot like a normal teenager (or like a grown ass gay blogger from the San Gabriel Valley) does. Something in the milk ain’t clean. That’s not a girl named Sarah. That’s Cody Lohan covered in the essence of Ellen Page, an Amish boy wig and the eyeglasses of a professional poker player from the late 90s! I can almost see the edge of the cue card White Oprah is holding up.

And please spend a few minutes (or hours, or days) with Sarah’s Flickr page, because she has posed with every single celebwhore on the planet. You decide whether or not you can trust a girl who is severely dedicated to making the same facial expression and head tilt in every single picture she takes.

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