Lindsay Lohan Hit A Ho And Ran

Because Lindsay Lohan is such a serious homebody who sits at home sipping distilled room-temperature water while writing the cue cards she’ll use for her comeback masterpiece role in that Elizabeth Taylor shit for Lifetime, she was at Sayers Club in Hollywood until 12 this morning. Because Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan and even a fresh coat of ginge on her weave can’t keep her from being a professional fuck up, she hit a dude in the knee with her Porsche before driving away. Take a sip of your morning speed, let it marinate for a second and then say it with me: THIS DUMB BITCH.

The story from TMZ is actually kind of funny and seems like a scam White Oprah would come up with on the spot. LiLo was backing out of the parking lot while surrounded by the paparazzi when her car grazed the knee of a dude who manages the nearby Hookah Lounge (New York Post Headline: HOOKAH MANAGER HIT BY HOOKAH!). LiLo drove away without getting out of her car to check to see if the dude’s knee was alright while stealing his wallet with her other hand (missed opportunity, LiLo!). The cops arrived, but TMZ seems to think that they were only there, because LiLo called them earlier to protect her from the paparazzi.

Right after LiLo hit that dude, he told the paparazzi that he was fine and didn’t need an ambulance or anything. But then the paparazzi told him that world famous baby stroller-hitter LiLo was the one who kissed his knee hard with her car. The manager said he didn’t know who that was, because he’s not from America. Dude must’ve found out quick (note: he Googled “Lizzie Grubman of crackheads” and LiLo was first item), because suddenly he started complaining about pain. He went to the emergency room and he’s telling people that he’s going to press charges. LiLo is only 14 days away from being probation-free and this could fuck things up for her, but that’s not going to happen.

Even if LiLo knocked that dude’s knee cap out with her bumper and then stuffed it in her cheek before driving away to rob a nearby Target of their entire supply of blue crack, nothing would happen to her. LiLo is the darling of the California justice system and that club manager is a nobody to them. When I look into my crystal meth ball, I see White Oprah blowing an air kiss at the club manager as police take him away to prison for attacking LiLo’s Porsche with his knee. “You can’t scam a scammah, wink!” – White Oprah

Here’s a few pictures from the other night of LiLo and some 45-year-old court stenographer from the late 80s Ali Lohan leaving a restaurant. That scratch on her Porsche is nothing. Bitch just took out an entire playground of preschoolers, because the paparazzi were in her way.