FYI: Jessica Simpson Loves Pregnant Sex

Because Jessica Simpson has to give you every last detail of her pregnancy including her exploding fart hole and a picture of her CGI naked body, she told Ryan Gaycrest on his radio show (via UsWeekly) this morning that she’s 170 pounds, has never felt hotter and is having double stuffed orgasms. My thigh bones have flattened just from thinking about Jessica riding on her piece. Take it, Chestica:

“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate and HOW! I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! He’s always ready!

I should ask Papa Joe if I could borrow the image maker in his brain, because I’m having a hard time picturing Jessica and Eric getting it on. How does it work, exactly? The missionary position is impossible. That would be like trying to fuck your piece while a stability ball is between you two. That would only work if you or your fuck partner is Tommy Lee, or if you or your fuck partner has an extendable vagina tunnel that looks like an elephant’s nose. Hitting it from the back would also be impossible unless they dug a crater hole into the mattress and just planted Jessica in there. So, riding on top it is! Damn.

That shit must be intense. They probably have to get those people who transport the whales into the tanks at Sea World to hold Jessica up as she rides hard. A medic always has to be on hand to give Eric oxygen every time his last breath gets knocked out of him from Jessica’s 2 ton belly hitting his stomach. And it’s probably hard for Eric to keep his peen in Jessica when his unborn toddler’s foot keeps trying to kick it out.

Jessica is riding on a pleasure seizure wave while Eric is scarred for life! It’s hard out there for Jessica’s bought-and-paid piece.