You In Danger, Katy

March 9, 2012 / Posted by:

“Oh, that’s just Kween Karl sucking the blood from his human’s penis vein” is a line Kunty Karl’s neighbors use often when their friends ask what that “trout slurping up a spaghetti noodle” sound coming from the next apartment is. Karl has been slowly siphoning the youth out of 22-year-old Baptiste Giabiconi with a titanium Chanel tube for at least 2 years and I’ve never seen him as the sharing type. You haven’t felt the burn from a fiery glare until you’ve sung “pass the coochie to the left hand side...” to Kunty Karl as he dabs his lips with a white lace hanky after nibbling on Baptiste’s muse mussy. So that’s why this story from The Sun is about as suspect as everything that comes out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth.

A source tells The Sun that while Katy Perry was in Paris for Fashion Week, she spent a little time whispering sweet nothings into the ear of Karl’s muse. While Katy was still married to hobo Jesus Russell Brand, Baptiste told his friends that he’d love nothing more than to get her to divorce her husband so he could marry her. So when Katy went to the Chanel show, Baptiste saw his chance and took her to dinner. The source says that Katy and Baptiste were with friends, but they acted like they were covered in a heart-shaped bubble and weren’t the least bit terrified about the possibility of an albino vampire dropping from the ceiling to kill Katy with cuntness for eating food (gross) and for trying to steal his huMAN! The source put it like this:

“They were with a group of people, but they looked very much like a couple in love. He was never more than a foot away from her and they were very flirty. There was a lot of whispering, shared jokes and they were really flirting.”

We all know how this movie ends. Baptiste and Katy are going to marry in Romania, but after Karl starts terrorizing all of Baptiste’s friends, Baptiste comes back to him and realizes they were soulmates in a past life and begs Karl to become his maker. As Karl starts to transform Baptiste into a vampire, Katy bursts in and tries to destroy Karl by throwing garlic bread (garlic + carbs = a fat-hating vampire’s kryptonite) at him. There’s a struggle! There’s lightning! There’s a theme song by Annie Lennox! There’s COSTUMES! COSTUMES! There’s boob hair! There’s blood in the form of red silk imported from a small village in China! Karl will curse Katy!

And when all is said and cursed, Karl and Baptiste will be wrapped in each other’s arms while Katy looks down to find that her Chanel couture gown has become rags from a designer discount store in Jersey. Katy’s skin will never feel the touch of next season couture again. This is how it’s going to go, because at the end of Dracula, Keanu Reeves was totally wearing some shit from Daffy’s.

So Katy better step off unless she wants to spend the rest of her life wearing ten seasons ago Ralph Lauren! Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with Kunty Karl.

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