Deadline Hollywood says that the rumor that Simon Cowell is trying to fill one of the empty judge’s chairs on X-Factor with the Louisiana trailer park blossom is coming true. Simon wants X-Factor to rise to the top like his man tits when he inhales and so he’s offered Brit Brit $10 million to join the judge’s panel for the second season. Simon is looking for two lady judges to replace walking Vicodin pill Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherlyyoualreadyforgotthishosfullname.
If Brit Brit’s string pullers tell her to take the money, she will be making about as much as Xtina is making for The Voice and $2 million less than JLo is making for American Idle. The Hollywood Reporter is hearing that Brit Brit’s fiancé Sam Merlotte Lite is negotiating her contract and if talks aren’t derailed from her insisting that they let her judge while sitting in a plastic trash can full of Frapps, the deal will be done next week. The squinting Falcor LeAnn Rimes is also talking to Simon about taking the other spot after Janet Jackson gave a thumbs down to it.
Brit Brit isn’t allowed to open her mouth in public unless she says words pre-approved by her team of puppet handlers, so I’m not sure how this is going to go. Is the whole thing going to be scripted? Is there going to be a Campbell Soup can phone on the table in front of her and every time she has to say something, she’ll put it to her ear and repeat the words she hears? Is she going to sit on Daddy Spears’ lap and move her mouth as he imitates her voice while giving criticisms like “Aw, you’re so sweet” and “Aw, that was awesome!” Please let it be the last one.