Open Post: Hosted By The Queen Bitch Of Survivor

March 8, 2012 / Posted by:

Before Survivor: One World (as many a Dlisted commenter calls it, “THIS SHIT IS STILL ON?!!!?”) even started airing, Jeff Probst said that the main villain of this season would be the gay Republican from Alabama and he was not telling a lie. Colton started out in the game as the odd ho out. The lady tribe embraced him at first, but quickly shooed him away because they were sick of him buzzing around. Colton didn’t want to bother with the dude tribe, because he felt they had nothing in common. Bitch’s days were numbered. But all that changed when the lady tribe gave him an immunity idol which unlocked an eye-rolling, lip-smacking, hand-waving cunt beast in him. Colton formed an alliance with the average joes (aka all the dude who don’t have a six-pack) of the men’s tribe and has taken over the game.

On last night’s episode, the women’s tribe lost the challenge and were all ready to vote off one of their own at tribal council. But in slithered Colton, who decided that he couldn’t stand one more day of being around one of his enemies, Bill, and came up with a plan to get him out. Now, Bill hasn’t really done anything to Cunton. Colton just doesn’t like Bill, because he’s “trash,” is poor, loud, tells stupid jokes and doesn’t have a real job. In the clip above (at the 1:45 mark), Bill tries to cool the air with Colton, but he threw a spoiled brat hissy fit that only Suri Cruise could love. After that, Colton convinced his followers to give their immunity to the women, so that they could go to tribal council and vote Bill out. I’ve watched all ten million episodes of Survivor, and that had to be the dumbest move I’ve ever seen. Cunton has most of the men sucking on his ass lips for why, I don’t know. Are they afraid his eye rolls are going to turn them to stone? Are they afraid his non-stop whining is going to turn them to dust?

When they finally got to tribal council (clip below), Cunton opened his mouth and out came shit-soaked pieces of bigoted trash. Even though it has nothing to do with the game, he went on and on about how Bill needs to get a real job and stop being poor. When Jeff asked Colton if he had any black friends, he said there’s black people in his life, like his housekeeper. This motherfucker is like the lost son of Hilly from The Help and The Bad Seed.

What really got me, though, is that the other men didn’t say anything. One of them even defended Colton. I kept waiting for a hand to fly across the screen to slap the smugness out of Colton, but it never happened. Are they that malnourished that they can’t tell a bitch to fuck off when he’s acting like a total vile asshole? I would’ve chewed the bark off of my torch for some protein to grab that trick by the hair and kick him into the ocean. Colton is a disgusting, trashy, self-entitled, prissy ass bigot and he’ll probably make it to the end, because the producers know he makes for truly WTF television.

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