Damn You, Demi Moore

March 7, 2012 / Posted by:

Thanks to Demi Moore showing off her naked pregnant ass on Vanity Fair in 1991 and the technological advances of Photoshop, any knocked up celebrity trick thinks she can flash all her nooks and crannies on the cover of a magazine. Case in point: here’s Jessica Simpson recreating “the Demi” for Elle’s April issue. Elle must have dulled all their Photoshop tools while touching this up, because Jessica’s baby balloon in its current state would need 2 pages to show it in its complete glory. That’s some “after the fold” shit. Either that, or this picture was taken at week 6 before a steady pregnancy diet of blended funnel cakes and Pop Tart burgers caused her ass to grow to the size of a whale’s fart bubble.

Jessica tells Elle that she knew something in the womb was a baby when she suddenly didn’t feel like boozing and biking:

“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

Speaking of booze, not guzzling down any has been the hardest part of her pregnancy:

“Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

That last part really made me queef out a happy queef on the inside, because now I know that there will be another human on this planet who says “A BIG THING OF WATER.”

Jessica also said that she’s having a girl and she will eat a bowl of raw vegetables to her death if her daughter turns out to be a butch bitch:

“Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”

Jessica has already come up with a name, and she says it’s not a Pilot Inspektor kind of weird and it will make sense to people. With those clues, I’m thinking Jessica will go with: Dayzee Macallana Simpson or A BIG THING OF BABY Simpson.

And I’ve never noticed Jessica’s innie belly button before. Or maybe she’s really an outie and it ran up into her belly after watching Papa Joe slobber on set.

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