Damn You, Demi Moore
Thanks to Demi Moore showing off her naked pregnant ass on Vanity Fair in 1991 and the technological advances of Photoshop, any knocked up celebrity trick thinks she can flash all her nooks and crannies on the cover of a magazine. Case in point: here's Jessica Simpson recreating "the Demi" for Elle's April issue. Elle must have dulled all their Photoshop tools while touching this up, because Jessica's baby balloon in its current state would need 2 pages to show it in its complete glory. That's some "after the fold" shit. Either that, or this picture was taken at week 6 before a steady pregnancy diet of blended funnel cakes and Pop Tart burgers caused her ass to grow to the size of a whale's fart bubble.
Jessica tells Elle that she knew something in the womb was a baby when she suddenly didn't feel like boozing and biking:
“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”
Speaking of booze, not guzzling down any has been the hardest part of her pregnancy:
“Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”
That last part really made me queef out a happy queef on the inside, because now I know that there will be another human on this planet who says "A BIG THING OF WATER."
Jessica also said that she's having a girl and she will eat a bowl of raw vegetables to her death if her daughter turns out to be a butch bitch:
“Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”
Jessica has already come up with a name, and she says it's not a Pilot Inspektor kind of weird and it will make sense to people. With those clues, I'm thinking Jessica will go with: Dayzee Macallana Simpson or A BIG THING OF BABY Simpson.
And I've never noticed Jessica's innie belly button before. Or maybe she's really an outie and it ran up into her belly after watching Papa Joe slobber on set.
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Her thighs are as big as her neck ..Give me a break. The real image is scary as hell, but she had to beat ole Vanessa whatsherface to the punch. I can not wait to see if she has a photo shoot. Battle of the baby names coming soon.
How long has this cow been pregnant? I feel like it's been years and who the hell thought of the idea to put her moose ass naked and on the cover?? They should be shot and then fired. She's a no talent pig who just won't go away.
ugh. just when i think i can't be more disgusted with the state of humanity...
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
Kim Zolciwhateverer is doing nakie prego shots in color now? Who knew.
Beyonce should have done the same thing. In her situation, Bey would have had to pose nude holding a pillow without a pillowcase.
wow a pregnant woman without stretch marks?! REALISTIC MUCH?
having said that, i would like to peek at Jessica's church donation basket.... omg i need help.
something tells me Papa Joe has bought afew copies and the one that is in the toilet, has sticky pages.
Jessica in the toilet: Omg what am i going to do while i do my poop.. oh look its my Elle magazine cover.... why are the pages sticky and what is that smell?
Papa Joe: ohh sorry jessica, ashley spilled some glue on it earlier.
That shit is so fake looking I assumed it was a Mad Magazine mashup of Spermica's head on Demi-too-stupid-to-use-salvia Moore's revolting preggo bod from 20 years ago.
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Surfing the apocalypse.
I see. The plan is to make us pay her to keep her clothes on.
I've got fifty bucks and some jack and coke I'm willing to donate so my retinas will stop trying to turn themselves inside out.
OH and the PHOTOSHOP artist should be given a fucking MEDAL for making Elephantia Jones look almost like a human. (except for that obscenely distended gut of course)
People who think that shit is attractive should be forced to clean up the afterbirth.
Fuck that shit.
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Surfing the apocalypse.
what a nasty, braindead skeez
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Aniston is artistically, intellectually and reproductively barren.
Paltrow is every argument against nepotism rolled into one.
Lmao, she's airbrushed to shit and must be at least 45 times this size now...I wonder which is more irritating: carrying a 10 pound baby OR paying a man to tolerate you while he buys you gifts with your own credit card?...she probably begged them to release this bullshit today because Nick and his wife, whom he doesn't pay, are having a baby
Two questions: 1. Where's the pic of Papa Joe kissing her belly?(because you know he does that)
2. How many times do you think she farted during the photo shoot? There is just too much pressure in that belly. I hope she let one fly while her man was kissing the fetus! _______________________________________________
"I like to dissect girls. Did you know I'm utterly insane?" - Patrick Bateman
Photoshopped indeed - the nipple alone. I like Jessica and think she's sweet and harmless but I think motherhood is going to be very difficult for her. I expect at least 4 nannies. My guesses for names: Amanda, Lacey, Nicole, Penelope.... real girlie names. I have a daughter who is a tomboy and has never liked dolls or cared about clothes let alone shoes. I've let her be her own person and would never force anything upon her. I pray Jessica will do the same if she has a Nike loving girl.
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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This photo is absolutely disgusting. Who wants to see this shit? Pregnant women are disgustingly ugly and need to stay the fv
I see K-Fed, The Second Coming, kissing the flesh container of his Safety Deposit Box Baby. I'll bet $5 that in 2 years he'll be in court using her constant boozing as a way to get custody of a support ch...I mean, the kid.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
Just like poor Jessica herself, there's nothing original, creative, pretty or inspiring about these tired pictures. I can't imagine why she warrants a magazine cover, let alone an entire article. I love her ring, though!
I know it's "old fashioned," but I find being naked in front of cameras while pregnant to be gross and narcissistic. I'm one of those would go into hiding people. Just not classy to do this, IMO.
PHOTOSHOPPED to hell !!!
No way that's her real size... she seems MUCH bigger in regular photos!
Her face has been slimmed down too.
I don't really care if she has or gets stretch marks. Some people get them, some people don't. Some people get them from small weight gain/loss, others can have twins and get back to skinny and have none. GENETICS. I can't hate on something people can't control...at least not this time haha.
However, I'm not really into pregnancy pictures. Sorry, I know it's supposed to be beautiful or whatever but it never evokes that sentiment from me. If I were in that position I don't think I'd opt for the nude pregnant photos.
That "baby bump" (slaps myself in the face for using that fucktarded term) is surrounded by a nice layer of blubber, you can tell by her belly button. Some women have those tight bellies where the navel sticks out, her belly button is a big crater (mine got that way too). Yeah I think she's gonna need a tummy tuck after this, squishy bouncy jello fat in her lower tummy that's going to have to be sucked out. (I KNOW what I'm talking about dammit!)
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
I just emailed Elle and scolded them for this stupid decision. It's already been DONE TO DEATH.
blech.
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You see you were
Born, born, born to be alive
(Born to be alive)
You see you were born, born, born
(Born to be alive)
Is it normal for a woman to get this big? My mom looked like this when she was pregnant with my sister and I (twins) but most women I see never get that big? Maybe it's just a big baby.
I think these photos are sweet, but I'm one of those people who think pregnant chicks are beautiful. And I appreciate that they didn't photoshop her into a cartoon character.
Submitted by Kelly0213 on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 3:50pm.
Some women are naturally blessed w/out stretch marks..when you go from skinny to pregnant - you get them..when you go from portly to pregnant..Not always.
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Not always. I was 115 pounds the first time I got pregnant. When I delivered, I was 185 pounds (massive weight gain). I ended up having a tiny baby (less than 7 pounds) and no stretch marks and I went back down to 115 pounds. Now I know a woman who was so big when she got pregnant that she never once looked pregnant throughout her pregnancy. It bothered her that she never "looked pregnant". She got massive stretch marks, even though she didn't gain much weight or really change size.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
Submitted by crazyinjapan on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 2:37pm.W
Sometimes late at night when I'm bored I look up weird porn to laugh and cringe. On a pregnant lesbians porn site I once visited... .
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Hey, whatever gets you rocks off! haha
OT: She likes the HARD stuff? Hmmm Scotch could burn my chesticles off! At least they photoshopped her to look nice! Thank goodness for small mercies! ;D
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"Kevin Keller will forever be a part of Riverdale, and he will live a happy, long life free of prejudice, hate and narrow-minded people." J. Goldwater
Stretcmarks are genetic. Most likely if your mom has them you will too. I just find it hard to believe that every celebrity has those genetics. Anyways I think she looks beautiful in these pictures.
Bet this was creepy Papa Joe's idea, he would whore her out for a nickel. He was probably drooling all over himself while watching this photo shoot.
Suddenly, I'm very relieved that my Elle subscription expired two months ago. Can't they come up with any original ideas? Sheesh.
No one can say another womb carried her child. She looks great pregnant and much happier. A gauzy cover up would have been nice though.
God, that is fucking repulsive
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My belly button never popped out during pregnancy and i was 120 lbs when i got knocked up. Every woman's body is different. But I do believe that Jess was a little on the heavier side when she got the preggos, probably more so in the tummy area if she partakes in frequent all day drinking binges even worse! So her tummy just probably didnt get taut enough to pop her belly button into an outtie.
Submitted by liverwurst on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 3:39pm.
They photoshopped all her stretch marks out but forgot the ones on her right upper thigh. Rumor is they are bright red and an inch wide all over her body from the nearly 70lb weight gain. A pregnant woman's belly button pops OUT not sinks in due to obesity. I don't think she looks healthy at all..I think she looks very selfish.
shamu's wet dream
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Submitted by Bizzarelife on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 3:29pm.
I give her a lot of credit for at least having the brains to realize that she was going to have to make $$ some other way. She sells serious amounts of those damn shoes via Macy's. She has those beauty products. Everyone makes fun of this crap, but no one really realizes how much $$$ they really make. Screw it. I could care less if everyone thought I was a joke, as long as I didnt have to work an actual life-sucking, soul-crunching, makes-me-suicidal day job.
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PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
No sorry:) I went from 110 lbs to pregnant both times. Skinny-pregnant...no stretch marks.
Some women are naturally blessed w/out stretch marks..when you go from skinny to pregnant - you get them..when you go from portly to pregnant..Not always.
Submitted by TurtReturns on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 3:38pm.
Submitted by justincase on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 3:08pm.
Submitted by PinkyGirl on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 2:21pm.
I see they photoshopped the red stretch marks every pregnant woman has.
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Speak for yourself.
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Word. Two kids, no stretch marks, thankyouverymuch.
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No stretch marks either...same for my Grandmother, mom and sister. Now my sister in law had 4 at once (no fertility drugs) and she looks like a zebra but go figure.
They photoshopped all her stretch marks out but forgot the ones on her right upper thigh. Rumor is they are bright red and an inch wide all over her body from the nearly 70lb weight gain. A pregnant woman's belly button pops OUT not sinks in due to obesity. I don't think she looks healthy at all..I think she looks very selfish.
Submitted by justincase on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 3:08pm.
Submitted by PinkyGirl on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 2:21pm.
I see they photoshopped the red stretch marks every pregnant woman has.
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Speak for yourself.
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Word. Two kids, no stretch marks, thankyouverymuch.
Gawd. Holy human taffy cotton candy photoshop batman! Very pretty girl but she is always laughing or giving the face of UUUGHUHU trying to look deep and/or early 90s model like. Just be yourself b.
Nudes can be tasteful and well done... but there's something just so... off... about a naked, photoshopped, windblown woman covering her chichis and cupping a perfect skin ball.
It's tacky and shameless. (I'm so fascinated with the lack of shame celebs have!)
And tacky times a million when it's in a magazine.
I wonder how much they had to pay this guy to look "excited".
WTF, is up with her belly-button???? I loved Jessica and Nick Lachey, together. This guy seems like a douche!
I saw this on Yahoo! this morning. I KNEW Michael K would not be able to miss this!
I give her a lot of credit for at least having the brains to realize that she was going to have to make $$ some other way. She sells serious amounts of those damn shoes via Macy's. She has those beauty products. Everyone makes fun of this crap, but no one really realizes how much $$$ they really make. Screw it. I could care less if everyone thought I was a joke, as long as I didnt have to work an actual life-sucking, soul-crunching, makes-me-suicidal day job.
What is up with her eyes? One has eyeliner and the other doesn't...? Fail!
Jessica, you are a first class christian slut.
Rocket - "planked", BWAHAHAHAHA!!
Fricking LOVE her ring and earrings in the banner, and she looks pretty, but yeah those pics should be between her and her baby dady.
Submitted by Deb on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 1:02pm.
My crazy younger sister did one of these when she was preggo with twins. Moooooooooooooo.
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Deb, I laughed so hard, I farted! Love you...
Is anyone else creeped out by the idea that Papa Joe is probably carrying a wallet-size of the banner pic with him?
Creepster. He's sure been quiet lately.
He's kissin that belly full of money.
Love the way they Photoshopped about thirty pounds off her, not to mention puffiness, cellulite and the "derp" off her face.
Plus, I can't STAND these naked pregnant pics or those embarrassing baby-daddy-kissing-the stomach poses. Privacy PLEASE.
Jess Simpson IS Derpina but for some reason you can't despise her like Lindsay Lohan. She's like an idiot child.
"Baby, get me a thing of whatchamacallit!"
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What kind of fuckery is this?
Submitted by PinkyGirl on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 2:21pm.
I see they photoshopped the red stretch marks every pregnant woman has.
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Speak for yourself.