Snooki’s Getting Married Too

March 5, 2012 / Posted by:

If the sanctity of motherhood is going down, it’s going to take whatever corroded pieces are left of the sanctity of marriage with it. That sound of two shotguns cocking (side note: That sounds kind of hot, but it’s not in this case.) you just heard was from humanity putting the barrel up to its heart and from a shotgun practicing Snooki’s wedding march. Because People says that not only is an Oompa Loompa fetus getting drunk in Snooki’s pickled womb, but she’s also engaged to her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle. While I love the name Snooki LaValle since it sounds like the name of a John Waters character played by Pia Zadora, I cannot condone this mess. This is not going to end well FOR ALL OF US!

As the employees of New Jersey’s Child Protective Services cheer this news because it means they’ll all have jobs for the next 18 years, Snooki’s ex-piece Emilio Masella tells TMZ that he hopes she has a miscarriage:

“I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage. When I was with her, she said she wanted twins. She would always say ‘Let’s have twins.’ I would def recommend her to get a paternity test to see who the father is because I’m sure there are other subjects. Vinny could easily be the father.”

Snooki shouldn’t get her feelings hurt over that shit, because Emilio totally didn’t mean to be rude or anything. We should all learn from this roid-damaged piece of douchewad shit. Whenever you’re about to fist pump a trick in their emotional place by saying some truly fucked up shit, start off by saying “not to be rude or anything” and you won’t hurt their feelings. Let’s try it! Not to be rude or anything, Emilio, but I hope the earth miscarries you by spitting you out into the universe. See! It actually sounds nice. I should go back and add “not to be rude or anything” to every sentence I’ve ever written.

And here’s the soon-to-be mother of every year, JWoww and their pieces shooting their reality show in Jersey City yesterday.

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