What In Parmesan Cheese Eyebrows Hell?!

March 1, 2012 / Posted by:

I could try to write a 4,000 page series of horror novels in the style of Bram Stoker solely based on the Wildenstein-ing of Lil’ Kim’s face and the Top Ramen-ing of her crunchy weave, but it’s THOSE BROWS that are giving me a headache from the chorus of terrifying screams trying to bust out of my head. This is Kim at last night’s Rip the Runway and loooooooooord.

Lil’ Kim could make an exact replica of La Toya Jackson’s face out of puppet skin and fix it onto the front of her head with silicone staples, and I’d say, “Eh.” Lil’ Kim could pull chunks of old weave out of Beyonce’s plumbing pipes and tack it onto her head using Elmer’s and I’d still say, “Eh.” But Bitch has gone way too far when she’s made her eyebrows look like something a waiter at Olive Garden should have in his hand while he asks me if I’d like freshly grated cheese on my chicken alfredo. Those brows look like mustard powder too. Brows should not look like a condiment!

I just want to rip off those chimney brush lashes and scrape off that dusty shit on Kim’s brows. Kim wouldn’t totally look like a Medusa Bratz doll if she didn’t bread her brows (brows milanese?). Okay, yes she would, but still.

I swear, this is the reason that I cry. Those brows look diseased. I wish Kim had a PayPal donation button next to those brows, because I’d put a few dollars in so she can take them to see a gynecologist. Don’t let anybody tell you that yeast infection brows are the look.

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