In case you couldn’t tell from the sound of a million crazed Beliebers turkey basting themselves with beaver sperm so that in a few months they can claim they’re knocked up with Justin Bieber’s child without facing statutory rape charges, he’s legal today! Justin Bieber celebrated the 18th anniversary of the day the heavens queefed him into the heart of Canada by going on Ellen to promote his 18th birthday. Ellen told Bieber that she had a surprise for him and then spewed out a long river of bullshit.
Ellen said that Bieber has done so much for people (insert Mother Teresa eye roll here), has visited sick children in the hospital (insert Princess Diana eye roll here) and that he doesn’t do anything for himself (insert the world’s population simultaneously eye rolling here). Yes, because buying two multi-million dollar mansions is Justin’s way of doing nothing for himself, Ellen. Ellen then brought out Justin’s manager Scooter (note: you know some NOT RIGHT shit is going to go down when someone named Scooter comes out) to give him a special birthday gift: a $100,000 Fisker Karma! The audience cheered like they were happy for Justin and shit, but I’m sorry….
If I was in that audience, I would’ve taken off my shoes and thrown them at that car. Fuck that shit. This is not how the game is supposed to go. The audience has to watch that spoiled ass, chipmunk looking multimillionaire functional fetus get a $100,000 car as a gift while their Toyota Tercel with a broken taillight and a stuck window is waiting for them in the parking lot? I don’t know if the audience got anything, but I know they didn’t get a car. Oprah needs to smack Ellen down for this shit. This is not in the talk show bible. Oprah would never be like, “Justin, YOU get a car AND…..everybody else you get your parking validated for 1 hour and you’ve been here for 2 so if you don’t have cash on you there’s an ATM in the lobby.”
And you know Scooter also gave Justin a diamond-encrusted extension pedal since his feet can’t reach.