Lindsay Lohan Somehow Moves Her Face In SNL Promos

NBC should’ve gotten Elvira to introduce these promos for this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, because Lindsay Lohan’s face looks like the fire scene from House of Wax. The positive news is that LiLo showed up on time (I think), memorized her lines (I think) and didn’t freebase hand soap in the bathroom (I think). The other news is: HER FACE. Lindsay Lohan’s face is one thing in still pictures, but seeing it in motion is another. I don’t know if she’s storing crack rocks in her cheeks for the weekend or if she’s trying to live within her means by injecting her face with Fix-A-Flat instead of Juvederm. Whatever it is she needs to hit the brakes on that shit.

I am also well aware that she’s got a little coke bloat (or her face is going through changes as she downs meds to keep her off the bad shit), but she needs to stop fucking with her face, because her mug looks tighter than a butt virgin’s b-hole. Wait. When LiLo gets a moment, can she pass me the name of her illegal back alley surgeon, because I have something that needs tightening…..

Here’s a few pictures of LiLo leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Is Lifetime sure about this Elizabeth Taylor thing? Because LiLo looks like she’s ready to play current day Brigitte Bardot or current day Linda Hogan, but not La Liz.

Tim Tebow And Taylor Swift Went On A Date

File this under: Rick Santorum’s answer to Brangelina (sorry, Duggars) has been found.

This is one of those gross things that I never saw coming, but should’ve seen coming, because it is a match made in wholesome boring Aryan heaven. Both Celebuzz and Clevver News say earth’s only direct connection to Jesus, Tim Tebow, and the American Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, went out to dinner together on Monday night after meeting at a pre-Oscar party last week. I can try to use all of my brain’s energy to come up with a couple name for these two, but it’s easier and more fitting just to call them: UGH!!!!!

Celebuzz says that Taylor skipped up to Tim at WME’s pre-Oscar party on Sunday night and started talking to him for over an hour. Talking to Taylor for over an hour would make me Tebow right over a toilet, but he was obviously into that shit, because he took her out for dinner on Monday night. Clevver News says that Taylor and Tim skipped into Century City’s Toscanova restaurant and sat with a small group. Tim and Taylor didn’t leave together, but he walked her out like the true gentlemen that he is. GROSS!

You know, some bitches have been trying to tell me that Tim Teblowjob is as gay as the image of me ordering a pouf from Cb2 (or the image of me dancing to an Atomic Kitten song in the shower while soaping myself up with a turquoise puff full of strawberry-scented body wash), but he never made me fart out a rainbow until now. Dating Taylor Swift is to gaydars as the cast of Jersey Shore is to breathalyzers. Taylor can make a gaydar overload and explode. Nothing says “I LOVE TO GARGLE ON A PEEN HEAD” like “dating” Renee Zellweger-in-training Taylor Swift.

The Unborn Baby Ewok In Snooki’s Womb Is Ruining The Creative Integrity Of Her Shit Show

Enfamil immediately stopped production of their new White Russian version of their formula after who would’ve been their #1 customer, Snooki, denied that her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle smushed a baby up into her. The Rapture was canceled and we were all told it was safe to go outside again, or so we thought. Page Six says that Snooki’s booze sponge of a womb IS full of baby and she denied it because she was in the middle of trying to whore out the news for a dollar to the tabloids. The Rapture is back on, Enfamil can start up the conveyor belt again and we can tell the children that they’re going to be the last of our kind since the world will soon end when roidy orange gremlin babies eat our entire supply of booze.

P6’s source says that UsWeekly paid for the news and will put it on one of their upcoming covers as soon as they get creative approval from Lucifer since that issue will also become the new bible in Hell. Another source says that although Snooki being knocked the hell up is good news for her checking account, it’s bad news for the MTV reality show she’s shooting in Jersey City with JWoww (see pictures below) right now. The source put it like this:

“MTV went into crisis mode after they found out. They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ”

The “creative direction” of any MTV show leads us all directly to the bottom of a dumpster and I don’t see how that shit has to change. The only difference is that instead of giving Snooki a plastic trash can full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and a tanning bed, they just have to give her TWO plastic trash cans full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and an extra-strength tanning bed since she’s boozing and tanning for two now.

News like this calls for a song from Snooki’s native land! Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-we’re fucked.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For February 28th!

“With this crocodile skin and smashed beaver, I’m sure to win the Kim Catrall look-a-like contest!” – cs182

Runners-up:

OH! I thought you said my drunk-ass beaver was gonna be riding some hard cock. – dirtybear7

“Yes, Senator Santorum, we’re very proud of your new Photoshop skills. We just . . . we just don’t think it’s right for your Presidential campaign.” – CJD

It is said, “If the groundhog sees rock bottom, that means, six more weeks of A.A.” – SANS FARDS

via Arbroath

Hot Slut Of The Day!

TODAY!!!!!!!

Just like the shampooing of Johnny Depp’s hair and the feeding of Posh Beckham, today only happens once every four years so it’s that day do it everything EXTRA. If you get paid a salary, your ass shouldn’t even be hating life in your cubicle at work today. You’re technically not getting paid for it. So leap away and do everything you love most, but do it EXTRA. If you’re going to eat a breakfast appetizer of a triple decker Pop Tarts and butter sandwich (I’m looking at you, Jessica), eat an extra one! If you’re going to do your daily beauty routine of injecting your cheeks with non-FDA approved plastic gel your mom buys online from Thailand (I’m looking at you, LiLo), give yourself an extra shot! If you’re going to spend your lunchtimes fapping into the kitchen sink while chewing on a cold (and possibly rotten) fried chicken drumstick (I’m nervously eye darting everywhere but the mirror), eat and fap out an extra one today! See, if St. Angie would’ve done that attention whore leg pose today, nobody would’ve said shit since that was extra extra and today is the day to do it extra.

Happy Leap (and EXTRA) Day!

P.S. – If reading the word EXTRA so many times took your brain to an insufferable place (aka Mario Lopez’s face), then you have my permission to call me an extra cunt.

(Illustration via Cartoon Day)

Birthday Sluts

Tempest Storm (84)
Lena Gercke (24)
Ja Rule (36)
Antonio Sabato Jr. (40)
Anthony Robbins (52)
Dennis Farina (68)
Gretchen Christopher (72)
Jack Lousma (76)
Alex Rocco (76)
Joss Ackland (84)