Enfamil immediately stopped production of their new White Russian version of their formula after who would’ve been their #1 customer, Snooki, denied that her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle smushed a baby up into her. The Rapture was canceled and we were all told it was safe to go outside again, or so we thought. Page Six says that Snooki’s booze sponge of a womb IS full of baby and she denied it because she was in the middle of trying to whore out the news for a dollar to the tabloids. The Rapture is back on, Enfamil can start up the conveyor belt again and we can tell the children that they’re going to be the last of our kind since the world will soon end when roidy orange gremlin babies eat our entire supply of booze.
P6’s source says that UsWeekly paid for the news and will put it on one of their upcoming covers as soon as they get creative approval from Lucifer since that issue will also become the new bible in Hell. Another source says that although Snooki being knocked the hell up is good news for her checking account, it’s bad news for the MTV reality show she’s shooting in Jersey City with JWoww (see pictures below) right now. The source put it like this:
“MTV went into crisis mode after they found out. They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ”
The “creative direction” of any MTV show leads us all directly to the bottom of a dumpster and I don’t see how that shit has to change. The only difference is that instead of giving Snooki a plastic trash can full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and a tanning bed, they just have to give her TWO plastic trash cans full of economy-sized booze jugs from Costco and an extra-strength tanning bed since she’s boozing and tanning for two now.
News like this calls for a song from Snooki’s native land! Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-we’re fucked.